How I Spent My Summer
by Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Summary: Prom happened and I left, this is how I spent my summer. Repost of 'A Letter A Day' with some changes...
1. Setting the Scene, Ashley Part 1

**So here is a fic I started posting a few months ago and deleted. I wanted to make some changes to the structure and content. Here is a repost. The changes will become more apparent once the next update is posted**

**Usual disclaimer - I own none of the South of Nowhere Characters or storylines.**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Setting the Scene – Ashley Part One**

Hey there, my name is Ashley Davies and I am a screw up. Everything I touch turns to crap. You don't believe me? Well by the end of this ya just might. In my 17 years on this earth I have managed to screw up pretty much every good thing in my life. I am a walking disaster and really should come with a warning label 'Danger: will cause heart break!'

So what happened I hear you ask, well I fell in love. For most people falling in love is a great, magical thing. For me it just meant I was guaranteed to hurt a girl who deserved so much better. I brought a bag of issues to rival those of someone who goes on Jerry Springer into our relationship and as predicted ended up screwing it all up.

My girl is perfect. She is beautiful, smart, funny, kind, sweet and most importantly she gets me. She gave up so much to be with me. She ignored what everyone else at school was telling her about me and became my friend. Then she defied her mother and ignored the taunts and ignorant comments from the masses to become my girlfriend.

Spencer Carlin is the first person who ever took the time to really see me, you know. She looked past the cocky, confident bluster and really saw me for the scared, insecure girl that I am. That fucking scared me. The feelings I have for her are stronger than anything I have ever known and that's terrifying.

Spencer gave all of herself me without reservation and me being the bitch that I am I kept hurting her time and time again. Spencer was jealous of Aiden, my ex-boyfriend and current friend. I told her over and over again that her jealousy was stupid, that I did not have feelings for Aiden and that we were just friends. I just couldn't seem to stop going to him all the time, especially when things were rough between Spencer and I. I know that it hurt my girl that I would go to him instead of her, but I just couldn't stop myself.

I didn't want to hurt her I swear. She's my girl and I love her, I'm _in_ love with her. I honestly think she is the only person I have ever been in love with. When I was with Aiden I thought I was in love with him, but compared to how I feel about Spencer it was barely a crush. I do love Aiden though, just not in the same way I love Spencer, she's my everything and he is just my friend.

Things were good between us, I loved her and was starting to deal with some of my commitment issues. Things weren't perfect, but they were real and that is even better. I knew she loved me more than I deserved to be loved, but I was working hard to be worthy of her love. I thought it was all going to be alright and then it happened.

One night and the world as we knew it changed forever. We were at our Junior Prom, I was with Spencer and she looked breathtakingly beautiful, like a total goddess. I can vividly remember watching her walk down the stairs at her place when I arrived to pick her up for prom. She literally took away my ability to speak, or even breathe. She was a total goddess.

Prom started off well. We were dancing and laughing and just having the best time together. It was like all the problems we had been having had melted away to let us have one perfect night together. The only problem being that I kept noticing Aiden staring at us and it made me feel weird, but I ignored it and just focused on my girl.

Towards the end of the night I saw Aiden by himself and went to dance with him, yeah probably not too smart but I seriously only saw it as a dance between friends. We were goofing off and then the music changed and a slow song came on. I just smiled up at him and put my arms around his neck so we could dance. It was fun, but nothing compared to dancing with my Spencer in my arms.

And then Aiden had to go screw everything up. He told me he was still in love with me and that he didn't want to be with Kyla. I started to panic, like serious hardcore panic. I was not equipped to deal with this.

I love the guy but not like that, I'm in love with Spencer but those feelings are so strong that they scare me. Shit, I was so confused and then Spencer came up. She picked up pretty quickly that something was going on, the look of dread on her face was heart breaking. Aiden apologised to her for not backing off like she'd asked him to.

Me, being the confused, fucked up mess that I am had a go at her for telling Aiden to back off. Spencer just gave me this look of incredible hurt and turned and bolted away from us. I followed her straight away, Aiden on my heels. We caught up to her outside and in front of _everyone_, it all came out.

Aiden announced that he couldn't just cut off who he loved, which led to Spencer begging me to please not hurt her by choosing him. I had never seen her look so hurt, not even when her mother was refusing to accept her sexuality. I was breaking her heart.

I then told them both that I would decide who I loved, even though I had no idea what to say. I think that's when Spencer really broke because she just screamed, "Then just decide!" The look on her face was heart breaking and I hated myself, and Aiden, because we did that to her.

I was about to respond, although I'm not too sure what I would have said, when someone shouted that there were guns. The next thing I knew I was laying on the ground with an unconscious Aiden on top of me and Spencer and Kyla beside us on the concrete.

Everything after that was a blur of sirens, screaming and crying. We got to the hospital, me riding in the ambulance with Aiden while the others caught a ride with Madison I think. I hated myself but I didn't even check to see if Spencer was ok. I just knew she was conscious so I went with Aiden. I was with him until they wheeled Aiden into the trauma rooms. It was looking pretty grim and I was terrified, despite everything that guy was my family, my friend and I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him.

Once they had taken Aiden in I looked around and found Spencer by the door to the ER. She was clutching a bloody wad of tissues to her hand and in that moment I freaked out, thinking she had been shot too and I have been too busy with my ex-boyfriend to even make sure she was ok. It turned out she just had a graze on her hand from when I'd dragged her to the ground with is after the shooting started. I was so relieved she was alright.

Then they wheeled in Spencer's brother Clay. He was in a really bad way. I held Spencer in my arms until her Dad showed up looking every inch the frightened, worried parent. I doubted my mother would have even come to identify my body if I'd been shot.

Not long after Mr. C had shown up and started demanding to see his wife, who is a doctor at the hospital Mrs. Carlin came out and told them that Clay had not made it, the look on Mrs. C's face will haunt me for a long time. For all our differences I felt my heart break for the woman who had watched her own son die. No one deserved that.

I watched through the window as the Carlins went to say their goodbyes to their son and brother. Watching Spencer break down nearly killed me. I wanted to so badly to go to her and take away her pain but I just couldn't. I had no words to make this better for her. Instead I went and sat in Aiden's hospital room a place I knew she wouldn't come looking for me.

I avoided Spencer after the shooting, after prom. I dodged her calls, only saw her one time and only sent the odd text message in response to the multitude she sent me. Yeah I hated myself for it too, I am a monster. What kind of person does that to the person they claim to love?

The one time I saw her between the shooting and the funeral was when she came to my house when the pain and sorrow at hers had became too much for her to take. I was so awkward with her. I had no idea what to say or do to comfort her. We both tried to ignore the elephant in the room, the prom and what had happened between Aiden, Spencer and I. I think Spencer was at my place for a total of fifteen minutes when the awkwardness over came us both and she left, running out of the house as though it was haunted.

I was so furious at myself for not being able to comfort her, especially seeing how wonderful she had been to me when my father had died. She had stood by me even when I pushed her way and snapped at her. She was fantastic and I know I wouldn't have gotten through that time without her. Now here we were, she was suffering like I had been and I was useless.

The day of Clay's funeral I was shitting myself. I was so scared to face Spencer, especially given how unforgivably I had been acting towards her. I had no idea what to say to her or what to do. All I knew what that I had hurt her so badly in a time where she was already experiencing unbearable pain. I was going to hell, no doubt about it at all.

Me and Kyla walked into the church together and slid into a pew near the back. Aiden had wanted to come but he had only just gotten out of hospital and his parents didn't want him to go out. I felt it was best he wasn't there anyway, there was no need to rub any more salt into Spencer's open wounds.

I felt my eyes instinctively move so that they were locked on the back of the blonde I love so much. She was snuggled up next to her Dad, his arm around her as she sobbed. I wished I could be the one to hold her and comfort her but I didn't have the words and felt like I didn't deserve to be near her.

The church was dark and depressing. There were arrangements of white flowers everywhere, they looked like something Mrs. C would have picked out. Up in front of the pulpit there was a dark wood casket with a huge bunch of white roses, a smaller bunch of red roses (I think they were from Chelsea) and a single daisy. I knew the daisy was from Spencer.

She had told me once that when she was 12 years old and had a really tough day at school, some boys were teasing her because Glen told them that she still slept with a blankie (which I had found absolutely adorable). Spencer had come home from school in tears so to cheer her up Clay had gone out to the backyard and picked a daisy from the garden. From then on each time Clay wanted to make her smile he would bring her a daisy. He had always been a good brother to her.

On top of the casket, next to the flowers was Clay's school photo enlarged so it was easy to see even from my place at the back of the church. Clay looked so full of life, so happy. It was heart breaking to know that he would never get to live the life he dreamed of, never get to go to an Ivy League college or see his and Chelsea's baby grow up. It was all too sad for words. This was one of those times where life truly didn't make sense.

About half way into the service the priest called Spencer up to say a few words about her brother. As soon as she reached the pulpit her eyes found mine and locked. In a church full of over a hundred people, her eyes found mine. I have never seen her look so fragile and devastated. She was holding on by a thread, that much was obvious.

She took a deep breath and began to speak, "Clay, my brother, was the kindest and most gentle person I have ever known. He was taken from us far too soon and for the rest of my life I will miss him. Clay was my brother, friend, confidant and protector. The past year has been one of confusion and change for me and Clay was their every step of the way supporting me and backing me up. I have no idea how I will face the world without him. Clay, you will always be in my heart. Until we meet again my big brother." Spencer raised her eyes skyward as tears ran unchecked down her cheeks. She looked over at the photo of Clay sitting on the casket and blew it a kiss. Then she sunk to the ground as her sobs became more violent.

I half got to my feet, ready to run to her side, when Glen went and scooped her up in his arms and carried her back to her seat. I sank back against the hard wood of the pew and felt tears burning their way down my face. I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain. I would give anything to take it all away. Kyla wrapped an arm around my shoulder and hugged me tight. I lay my head on her shoulder and let my tears fall.

After the church service we followed the family to the cemetery. It was devastating to see how broken the whole Carlin family was. Mr. C kept an arm around Spencer the entire time, I think he was all that was keeping her from running or sinking to the ground and sobbing. Mrs. C held tight to Glen who looked so lost, usually he was a joker and always mucking around. It made it all real to see him so solemn.

I glanced around at the people by the gravesite. I saw a lot of people from King High, teachers and students alike, plus at lot of people I assumed were family and friends of the family. A few people I recognized from the many photos displayed at the Carlin's. Paula was very fond of photos and had many displayed around the house.

My mother would never taint the professional decorating job by displaying family photos in our house. Plus it was harder to screw young hotties when you have photos of your daughter on the walls to remind them of your actual age.

It was clear to see just how loved Clay was by all the people present. Besides Spencer and her immediate family the most heartbreaking sight was Chelsea. She was flanked by her parents and kept her hand pressed against her stomach, it looked like she was shielding her baby from the pain of the loss we were all feeling.

The priest droned on at the grave side and I couldn't make my brain take in a word he was saying. My eyes were locked on the devastated blonde that I loved so much. I think she felt my eyes on her because she raised her head and looked at me. Our eyes met and held. I saw pain, hurt, anger, sadness and extreme anguish in her expressive blue eyes and all I wanted to do was to hold her in my arms, but I couldn't. I felt that after what happened at prom and how I had been avoiding her I didn't have the right to even breathe the same air as her.

Spencer tore her eyes from mine and focused on her coffin that held her brother. She let out a strangled cry and buried her face in her father's chest as the priest intoned, "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes and dust to dust." The undertaker began lowering Clay's body to his final resting place and I couldn't take my eyes off my broken blonde, not that I had the right to call her mine any more. It's not like we were broken up but it was hardly like we were together. I was just letting her down in every single way.

Once the coffin was in the ground the Carlins and Chelsea stepped forward and each dropped a flower into the grave. Mr. and Mrs. C dropped in a white rose each, Mr. C supporting his wife as she broke down. Glen threw a small branch from a pine tree (I think it was to represent that Glen, Clay and Mr. C used to go camping together a lot), Spencer dropped in another daisy and an ocean of tears and Chelsea dropped a red rose along with an ultrasound picture of their baby.

That service was one of the most heartbreaking I had ever experienced. It foreshadowed the continued heartbreak that was to come.


	2. Setting the Scene, Spencer Part 1

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Setting The Scene – Spencer Part One**

I've always heard people talking about life changing moments and man have I had some monumental life changing moments of my own. Like for instance that time when I was about eleven years old and I first looked at a girl and wanted to kiss her. Or maybe the day my family moved from Ohio to sunny Los Angeles. Or maybe the moment I met Ashley Davies and set into motion the course my life was going to take in Lala land. All of these moments and more were life altering in major and minor ways that I probably haven't fully realised yet, but there is one night that not only changed my life as I knew it, but completely tore it apart.

Before I get into all that, the night where everything changed, allow me to introduce myself, my name is Spencer Carlin and I am 17 years old. I have a Mom named Paula who is a doctor, a father named Arthur who is a social worker and a big brother named Glen who is currently unemployed. I have, or had, another brother named Clay who I lost. I also have, or had (fucked if I know) a girlfriend, the one and only Ashley Davies.

I guess you may have picked up on the fact that I like girls, yeah I'm gay. My family found out this year, yet another life changing event. My family's reactions to this news were varied to say the least. My brother Glen was a jerk at first, treating me and Ashley like freaks and then he really stepped up and supported me whole heartedly. My Dad was amazing, I think he knew long before it all came out and he has been my rock. Clay was just as amazing as my Dad and always had my back, actually thinking about it Clay was the first person in my family to officially know my sexuality. And then we have my mother. She did not take it too well at all.

I will admit that the way my mother found out was not exactly going to gain her support. My parents, who had been on a weekend away together, had just come from picking my brother up from jail after he got arrested for trying to buy drugs. Yeah so already the mood wasn't great. Mom took it upon herself to check on me and my other brother Clay. When Mom looked into my room she found me and Ashley in bed together. We weren't actually having sex, but well let's just say Mom caught the pre-show.

Mom freaked out and dragged Ashley out of the house, half naked, by her hair. It was horrible. We were all crying and Ashley kept apologising to me, even though none of it was her fault, only Mom's. After she had thrown my girlfriend out of the house my mother told me that I disgusted her. That hurt worse than being slapped across the face (and I know that for a fact since a few months earlier my mother had done just that, again over Ashley). I screamed that I hated her and ran from the room. Until recently that was the worst night of my life.

My Mom is extremely catholic and the thought of having a gay daughter did not sit well with her to say the least. She even went as far as to hire this man to, I guess, brainwash me into being straight, to 'fix me'. It was so painful to sit there and be forced to listen to all their ignorance and judgement, realising that my mother might never fully accept me for who I was. It hurt that I was being punished for something that I had no control over.

The thing is though, I went through all of that because I hated hiding who I was and I couldn't stand hiding the way I felt for Ashley. I loved her, I was so in love with her and it killed me to hide that from the world.

Ashley Davies was/is (I don't even know anymore) my first girlfriend. She helped me come to terms with who I was and opened me up to feelings, emotions and experiences I had never even dreamed of. She made it ok for me to be gay and helped me to see that it wasn't something I should be ashamed of. She was my best friend and then became my everything.

Our relationship had a lot of ups and downs. I think for me a lot of the problems came from my suspicions that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend Aiden, who was also my friend and almost ex (we had made out like twice when I was in serious denial about my sexuality) and her sister Kyla's current boyfriend. We really did exist in an incestuous little circle. It was like Ashley was constantly running to Aiden every time we hit a little rough patch. It hurt that she couldn't talk to me.

It felt like she was juggling both of us, and my God did it hurt. It was like she was trying to have her cake and eat it too, like she couldn't decide which one of us she really wanted so she kept us both around. I felt her pull away from me more and more everyday while running to him. It broke my heart.

Everything came to a head on a night that will live in infamy. It will go down as the worst night of my entire existence, our Junior Prom.

I remember the build up to that night, thinking Ashley would never ask me and then being so happy when she finally did (even though I am a bit embarrassed by what a spaz I acted like right after I found her oh so cute message in my locker asking me to prom). I spent ages at the Mall with Chelsea picking out my dress, I wanted to look perfect for her. All the problems we had been having, mostly due to Aiden and my Mom, were pushed aside so that we could have the perfect night together.

I remember walking down the stairs at my house when she arrived with the others to pick me up. I literally couldn't breathe or speak, she looked so beautiful. She was wearing this stunning cream satin dress that clung to all her curves in the most perfect of ways. I can vividly remember how she looked at me when I walked down those stairs, it was like I was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. I was so happy in that moment, I was off to my Prom with the girl I was desperately in love with. Everything was perfect.

When we arrived at the dance we straight away hit the dance floor. Dancing in her arms felt magical, like it was exactly where I was always meant to be. I kept noticing her looking over at Aiden and Kyla, but I forced myself into thinking that she was just looking out for her little sister. In hindsight I should have called her on it, or gone and bitch slapped Aiden so hard his face was permanently facing backwards.

We had a wonderful night. We danced almost constantly, barely stopping for drinks and food. There was also a little 'incident' in the bathroom. I know what it would have looked like to everyone. It would have looked like we hooked up in one of the stalls of the bathroom at our prom. I would like to tell you that I am not that kind of girl, but you know what being with Ashley brought out that side of me and yes to set the record straight we had a little quickie in the bathroom. According to her I 'looked too beautiful not to touch.' And touch me she did. I came hard with her fingers buried deep within me and my moans and cries of pleasure muffled by her shoulder.

I was a little dazed as we stumbled out of the stall, but was quickly brought back to reality by Ashley's slagging match with Madison. Those two just couldn't leave it alone. It was practically impossible to believe they actually used to be friends, although I suppose that level of animosity could only spring from what was once a deep friendship. You just can't hate someone that much unless you used to really care about them.

Anyway, the night was going perfectly. It was exactly how I had always imagined my junior prom would be. I was there with someone I truly loved, surrounded by friends and my two brothers who were, despite the crap I gave them (well Glen anyway), good guys. Everything was great until the last song of the night. I was standing at the bar having a drink (not alcoholic, it was my _junior_ prom after all, plus it is a well established fact that I cannot hold my liquor) and trading banter, and even some niceties with my big brother Glen. I looked up and saw Ashley dancing with Aiden. I was on some sort of high from the great night we'd had so far so it didn't bother me like it usually would have.

Glen told me to go dance with her, seeing as it was the last song of the night and all. I gave my brother a hug and headed over to my girl. As I got there I picked up on some wicked tension between the two of them and I felt and instant feeling of dread settle over me. I don't know how I knew it, but I felt it in my bones that something huge was about to happen.

As I stepped up beside them I saw Aiden clutching her hands in his and staring into her eyes. It made me seethe with jealously, but I pushed that aside and asked them what was going on. Ashley just froze, the look on her face was so guilty and almost sorry for me, like she knew she was about to break my heart.

Aiden turned to me and told me he was sorry, that even though I told him to back off Ashley he just couldn't. I was staring at him in horror as he said that, my horror turned to intense pain when Ashley turned on me and told me that I had no right to tell Aiden to back off. I think it was that moment when I realised that Ashley was more than capable of taking my heart and shattering it in her hands.

I turned and ran. I couldn't bear the thought of them seeing me break down.

I ran from the prom, pushing and shoving people out of the way in my hurry to get as far away from the girl I loved and the guy who I thought was my friend. I could hear her following me, calling out to me, and I could hear him following her. I knew he was not running after me, he couldn't care less about me, all he wanted was to make sure in the end she chose him.

They caught up to me and in front of everyone, our friends, classmates and siblings it all came out. Ashley looked scared and confused and part of me wanted to comfort her. Even though she was hurting me, I still wanted to make her feel better.

Aiden started apologising, for all the good that it would do. There was no damn way I could forgive what he was doing. I yelled at him that he had already had his chance with Ashley. He then rambled on about how he couldn't just cut off who he loved. Poor Kyla chose that moment to join us. I felt for her, it can't be the nicest feeling to walk up to your boyfriend professing his love for your older sister. That one stings, almost as much as having your friend confess their love to your girlfriend and have her just stand there and not say a fucking word.

Ashley finally put her two cents in then and told us that she would decide who she loved. I kinda lost control then and I screamed at her to just decide. As I cried out, I felt my heart break. I wasn't really given the chance to deal with it because the next thing I knew the world, as I knew it, changed forever.

I heard someone scream that there was a gun. I heard gun shots and watched as Aiden threw himself over Ashley, while pulling Kyla to the ground. It was nice of him to save me now wasn't it? Instead Ashley grabbed my hand and pulled me down.

Everything was kind of a blur of activity after that. There was screaming, crying, shouting and just complete chaos. I barely remember what happened to be honest. I remember flashing lights and sirens and getting separated from Ashley when they loaded Aiden into an ambulance. Aiden managed to get shot along with so many other people.

I don't really remember how I got to the hospital, I vaguely remember being in a car which I think was Madison's. I do have a very distinct memory of Ashley ignoring me and jumping in the ambulance with Aiden. She didn't even check to see if I was alright. Now I know he means a lot to her, but I kinda thought I did too. I guess in the chaos and everything she forgot me.

I was standing at the door to the Emergency Room when they wheeled Aiden in, Ashley clutching his hand in hers until they pulled him away from her and into the belly of the hospital. He looked pretty bad and I started to feel scared that we were going to lose him. Despite everything that had just gone down I cared about the guy and I didn't want him to die.

After he was wheeled out Ashley ran to my side and was there when they wheeled my brother Clay in. He looked so bad, worse than Aiden. He was in agony that much was certain. I felt sick, physically sick as they wheeled him away. Ashley pulled me down to sit beside her and wrapped her arms securely around me as I buried my face in her neck and cried. We sat like that until my Dad arrived and then I ran from her arms to his.

Once Dad was sure that both Glen and I were ok, he wanted answers about Clay. I will never forget the look on my mother's face as she walked out of the emergency room. She looked broken, shattered, as though the world would forever be tainted and never complete. She really didn't need to say a word, we all just knew, but hearing her say the words was like someone had poured freezing cold water over me and then boiling hot. I was numb, but yet burning in agony.

Mom led us back to the room where they had Clay, she said it was so we could say goodbye. I wasn't ready to say good bye. I wasn't ready to live in a world where my brother wasn't alive. As soon as I looked down over his still form I felt like the world was ending, and I welcomed it. I couldn't see a way to get past this.

I lost all control and sobbed, clutching my mother's hand. Clay was my brother, friend, confidante and protector. He was the one who had always had my back when people at school, or even Glen, gave me grief for being gay. Clay was my rock and I couldn't even begin to imagine him not being in my life.

After we had said our goodbyes and were getting ready to go home, I looked for Ashley. I knew instinctively where she would be, Aiden's room. I walked past the room and saw her seated by his bedside clutching his hand. I felt sick. Even while I was dealing with losing my brother she disappeared on me.

I let Glen lead me away from the room that held my best friend/girlfriend and my friend and we went home to start trying to live in a world that no longer held Clay. It was one of the longest nights of my life.

Ashley avoided me like the plague in the aftermath of the shooting. She never answered her phone, never came to see me. It hurt more than I thought it would. I was hurt that she abandoned me when I needed her more than I ever had. It really sucked given the fact I had gone out of my way to be there for her when her father died. No matter how hard she had tried to push me away I was there for her. Why the hell couldn't she do the same for me?

The one and only time I saw her between the night of the shooting and Clay's funeral was when I went to her house. Things at home at reached unbearable levels. My Mom had barely left her room, Glen was a zombie and my Dad was just broken. We had family flying in from all over the country and it was all too damn much. I was hardly coping with my grief, I so couldn't deal with everyone else's too.

I ran to the one person I needed, the one person I wanted to see. She looked horrified to find me on her doorstep, like she wished I'd just stayed away. If I'd had anywhere else to go the look on her face when she opened her front door and saw me would have been enough to make me bolt, but I had no one else. She was it for me.

She let me in and I followed her up to her bedroom, a place that had held so many happy times for me. I sat on her bed and for a moment let my mind wander back to the night we had made love for the first time under those covers. I shook myself from my memories and tried to talk to her about Clay and how hard it was.

The problem was that what I didn't say was hanging around us in the air like a bad smell. I didn't have a go at the way she had been ignoring my phone calls and hardly replying to my text messages, I didn't yell or beg for an explanation and I also didn't bring up Aiden. I knew I could only cope with so much so I played pretend that everything was ok with her and I. It didn't work for long and soon awkwardness over took us both. I think I was there no longer than fifteen minutes before I bolted.

I ran from her place like it was on fire. I ran until my legs ached and my chest burned. I ran until I had nothing left and I fell to the ground sobbing and gasping for breath. I have no idea how long I sat in the gutter of some street, it was dark by the time I pulled myself to my feet and dragged my ass home. I walked in and no one had noticed I was gone. I went to my room and cried until I threw up.

I passed the next few days like that and then on the day of the funeral I did something I never usually do, I took a drink. I snuck some vodka out of the liquor cabinet and took two shots before leaving my room to be driven to the church with my family so we could say our final goodbyes to my brother.

As we walked into the church I scanned the room for Ashley and felt an overwhelming sense of betrayal when I didn't see her. I felt fresh tears fill my eyes before I pushed thoughts of her out of my head and tried to focus on the task at hand, getting through this funeral.

I sat down on the hard wooden pew and snuggled up in my Dad's arms, trying desperately to draw comfort from him. It didn't work. I barely heard a word the priest or anyone else said as the service progressed, I was just focused on breathing, on getting through each second. The church was dank and solemn. It was a place of intense sadness. I would never enter this church again.

I fought the urge to stare at the dark wooden casket, knowing it would be my downfall. I refused to look at the single daisy I had asked them to place on the top of his coffin. The daisy had always held a significant meaning to me and Clay and for the rest of my life they would remind me of my big brother.

When I was little I was being teased mercilessly at school and to cheer me up Clay had picked me a daisy from the backyard. From that day anytime I was upset he would bring me a daisy and it never failed to make me smile. God I was going to miss him so much!

I was shaken from my thoughts by the priest calling me forward to say a few words about Clay. This was the part I had been dreading. This was my biggest challenge.

I climbed to my feet and staggered to the pulpit on shaky feet. As I reached the pulpit and swept my eyes across the people in the church my eyes found a pair of familiar brown eyes locked on mine. She had come after all. She looked tired and torn. For a moment I wanted to go to her, to comfort her but today I had to look after me and not her for once. Today I couldn't be the one to give her the answers, today I had to focus on keeping myself breathing.

I took a deep breath and began to speak. I had prepared a speech but that remained unread in my pocket and I spoke from the heart. "Clay, my brother, was the kindest and most gentle person I have ever known. He was taken from us far too soon and for the rest of my life I will miss him. Clay was my brother, friend, confidant and protector. The past year has been one of confusion and change for me and Clay was their every step of the way supporting me and backing me up. I have no idea how I will face the world without him. Clay, you will always be in my heart. Until we meet again my big brother." I raised my eyes skyward as tears ran unchecked down my cheeks. I looked over at the photo of Clay sitting on the casket and blew it a kiss, my goodbye to a brother who was so much more than family to me. Then I sunk to the ground as my sobs became more violent and tore through my body.

I clutched at the carpet and cried so hard I thought I would tear the lining of my throat. I felt a strong pair of arms surround me and for a brief moment I thought it was Ashley until I heard a voice whisper, "I'm here Spence, I love you little sis." I snuggled further into Glen's arms and held tight to him even after he'd sat me back down on the pew.

The service dragged on a bit longer and I will admit to being aware of none of it. I was holding on by a fucking thread and there was no way in hell I had the capacity to take in the words being spoken around me.

After the church service a long black car drove us to the cemetery so that we could bury my brother. The drive was a blur, all I can remember was hanging onto my father for dear life and crying quietly into his suit jacket.

Once we arrived I numbly let my father lead me to the gravesite. It was all surreal, it felt like I was floating above and watching what was happening rather than actually experiencing it. It felt like a horrible dream that I was desperate to wake up from. If only someone could tell me how.

We stood by the grave, Dad holding tight to me while Mom clutched Glen to her like he was going to disappear like Clay had from our lives. The whole time in could feel a pair of familiar brown eyes locked on me. I was aware of no one else but Ashley and my immediate family. The kids from school, the teachers, family friends and relatives all ceased to exist in the sphere of my world.

I glanced to the side and saw Chelsea with her parents either side of her, her hands protectively over her stomach. That baby was the last living piece of my brother. It was heart breaking and unfair that this child would never know their father. The world lost someone truly amazing with the loss of my kind, compassionate brother.

I didn't hear a word the priest said, I was too focused on breathing and not giving in to the urge to scream, rip at my hair and curse a God I hated for taking so much from me. I lost my faith on prom night. I lost faith in a just God who was all about love. People could say that God worked in mysterious ways, but this was a loss I could not comprehend. I could find no sense in this, no possible reason God would have for taking my brother.

As the priest intoned the standard funeral words I raised my eyes and locked them on the brown eyes that were boring into me. Her eyes told a story of confusion, pain and regret. I couldn't stand the messages in her eyes so I ripped my gaze from hers and focused on the coffin that held my brother.

I felt my chest constrict painfully, making me turn and bury my face in my father's chest as the priest said solemnly, "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes and dust to dust." How I hate those words, how I hate all words that said goodbye to a boy who had only just begun to live.

The undertaker began lowering Clay to his final resting place as I began to tremble violently and cling to my father like he was all that was keeping me from drowning. Truth is, he probably was.

Once the coffin was completely lowered into the earth my father released me so that we could each step forward and drop our flowers into the open grave. Dad wrapped an arm around Mom as she broke down. Each of them dropped a single white rose into the depths of the hole.

Glen stepped forward next and with tears streaming down his face he softly threw in a small, fragrant branch from a pine tree. It was a representation of the many camping and fishing trips he, Dad and Clay had taken together over the years. I knew Glen had hated those trips, but he always went along because Dad and Clay had loved them so much.

Next it was my turn. I focused only on making my feet carry me the short distance to the side of the grave where I released a single daisy into the ground, watching as it came to rest on the dark wood of the coffin. It was then that I became aware of the tears I was dropping onto this coffin, my tears would be with him for all eternity.

Chelsea came forward after me and dropped in a red rose with an ultrasound photo of their baby. It was devastating.

Actually everything about that day was devastating.


	3. Setting The Scene, Ashley Part 2

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Setting the Scene – Ashley Part Two**

After that we all headed back to the Carlin's for the wake. I wasn't sure I should go but Kyla told me it would be unforgivable if I didn't. So I found myself standing awkwardly in the corner of the Carlin's living room watching people smile sadly and sympathetically at each other. Pretty much as soon as we'd arrived Paula had broken down and disappeared upstairs with Mr. C hot on her heels. I hadn't seen Spencer once since the wake had begun.

Kyla and I wandered over to the lavish buffet that had been prepared and aimlessly got some food that I think neither of us had any intention of eating, it was just something to do, a way to keep our hands busy. We were standing by the buffet when the last person I wanted to see in that moment came through the front door, Aiden.

He was pale and looked like he really shouldn't be out of bed yet. He caught sight of me and started walking towards me and Kyla. I really wanted to shout at him, tell him that he had to leave before Spencer saw him and we only hurt her more. Sadly timing has never been on my side and as Aiden neared me and Kyla Spencer began walking down the stairs.

Aiden hadn't seen her, his eyes were locked on me. I watched Spencer, horror flowing through my body. Her face was twisted in an angry sneer she reached the bottom of the stairs as Aiden reached my side. I heard her mutter, "You've got to be kidding me!"

Aiden was so focused on me he didn't hear her or notice Glen, Madison, Chelsea, Sean and Boz all moving closer and staring at him angrily. Clearly they were all well aware of what had gone down at prom before the shooting. Aiden came over and smiled at me. I just shook my head, "Aiden, what are you doing here? You so need to leave!"

"What? Why? I just wanted to pay my respects and to…uh see you Ash. I haven't seen you much since the hospital," Aiden said, still not noticing Spencer as she crossed the floor towards him.

"Wow Aiden, first you tell my girlfriend you love her at Prom and now you show up to my brother's funeral to see her, gotta give you credit for a complete lack of timing or consideration for other people's feelings," Spencer sneered, folding her arms over her chest and glaring at Aiden. Her eyes flicked briefly to mine, her expression changing to one of heartbreak before hardening into anger when she turned back to Aiden.

"Spencer, I'm sorry. I feel bad about what happened at prom but you can't cut off who you love." Aiden said pathetically.

"Oh for fucks sake, get a better line Aiden! That one's getting old. You know I actually felt for you, as angry as I was. I felt for you. I know what it's like to be in love with Ashley," she paused to look at me, her expression breaking my heart even more, "and then you got shot. Aiden I felt awful for you and then you go and pull a stunt like this! You turn up to my brother's funeral to see _my_ girlfriend, well I'm assuming she's still my girlfriend." Tears spilled from Spencer's eyes and ran down her cheeks as sobs tore from her chest. "You know what? I can't deal with this right now, today I'm trying to say good bye to my brother."

Spencer ran from the room. I went to follow her but a glare from Glen halted me. He raced out after his sister. I felt sick to my stomach, like all I wanted to do was hurl all over the buffet. I turned to Aiden and glared furiously at him, "What the fuck was that Aiden! Do you want to hurt her more than we already have? You never should have come here today!" I snapped at him.

"Ashley, I … uh I guess I didn't think. I'll go," Aiden stammered. He hung his head and slunk out of the house. Kyla put her arm around my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze, she knew better than to try and talk to me at that moment. I felt like utter shit, it was all my fault…well not Clay getting shot, but all the other stuff was. If I hadn't been so fucking stupid Spencer wouldn't be hurting as much as she is now and if I wasn't such a horrible person I'd be able to be there for her and help her through this. I really hated myself.

Madison, Sean and Boz all looked at me with signs of accusation in their eyes. I wouldn't blame them if they hated me. I deserved it. Hurting someone as sweet and wonderful as Spencer Carlin was not something even in the realm of forgivable.

After another half an hour or so I couldn't stand the guilt any more, I told Kyla I was leaving and practically ran out the front door, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I was so engrossed with my internal tirade at myself for hurting the girl I love that I didn't even notice her ahead of me.

I pulled my keys out of my bag and glanced up at my car to find Spencer leaning up against the driver's side door with her arms folded over her chest. "So I see you were going to leave without even saying a word to me. That's nice Ash, really nice. It's my brother's funeral and the girl I'm in love with can't even get over herself long enough to say one fucking word to me," Spencer snarled at me. I can't remember ever seeing her so angry.

"Spence, it's not even like that, I wanted to be there for you so badly, but I have no idea what to say to you. I don't know what to do to make this better," I murmured as tears filled my eyes.

Spencer shook her head and sighed, "I don't want you to make this better, you can't. What I wanted from you was just for you to be there for me, even if that meant just sitting with me and not saying a word. I just needed to know that you were there for me Ash, even if that meant as my best friend and not my…" Spencer trailed off and closed her eyes against the tears that waited to fall.

"Girlfriend?" I finished for her. My voice husky and tight with anguish.

Spencer gave me a small, sarcastic smile, "If that's what I even am anymore. You know what though, this isn't about Aiden and the disaster that was prom, this is about the fact that I lost my brother and you haven't been there for me. That's what really hurts Ashley." Her tears spilled over after that and ran in rivers down her beautiful face.

"Spencer I'm so sorry. I want to be there for you, I do, I just don't know how. After everything that happened I didn't want to cause you anymore pain so I stayed away. I'm so sorry," I cried.

"You're sorry huh? God Ashley I've needed you so much this last week, I really needed you and you weren't there," She said through her tears. I stepped closer to her and pulled her into my arms. She struggled at first, tried to shove me away, but then she relaxed into my embrace and sobbed with her face buried in my neck.

I held her close to me as she cried. I wanted to take all her pain into me so that she wouldn't be hurting any more. I wanted to shield her from everything that was causing her tears, even though one of those things was me.

"Spencer no matter what's happening between us I want you to know I love you and I want to be here for you. I just wish I could take away your pain," I murmured into her silky blonde hair as I ran my hands up and down her back.

I felt her sigh against my neck as her tears started to slow. She was about to respond when the sound of her front door slamming shut made her jump and turn her head to face the house. As soon as I saw who was standing there I cursed under my breath. Fucking Aiden. I guess he didn't leave when he said he was going to.

As soon as Spencer noticed Aiden standing there her body stiffened in my arms and she jerked violently away from me. She just looked so hurt and so betrayed, it was the same expression I'd seen on her face at prom when she screamed at me to decide who I wanted.

Spencer glared angrily at Aiden and then looked broken heartedly at me, "I can't do this. I said it wasn't about Aiden and what happened at prom but you know what it partly is. You need to decide Ashley." With that Spencer spun on her heel and bolted around the back of the house.

I didn't even look back at Aiden, I just got in my car and drove away, ignoring the sad boy staring after me. I was so confused and so torn. Aiden had been a huge part of my life for so long and the thought of losing him, my family, was unbearable. On the other hand Spencer was the love of my life, my soulmate and I couldn't imagine not being with her.

It felt like a no win situation. Either I lose one of my oldest friends who I love (but am not in love with) or I lose the woman I am desperately in love with. What I feel for Spencer is so strong that is scares me, I have never felt like this before. With her everything is intense and passionate. It's the real thing and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. With Aiden I feel safe and I'm scared to give that up. I know he will always be there and with Aiden, while there will never be any real highs, there will never be any lows either. Fuck I was so confused!

I drove home and sat moping in my bedroom for the rest of the day. I tried to call Spencer, but I have to admit I was a little relived when she didn't answer. I still didn't know what to say. I knew what she wanted me to say, that I would walk away from Aiden and pick her, but I couldn't do that, not yet.

Over the next two weeks I continued to avoid her. I know, I know I am a horrible, hurtful person. I am selfish and so weak. She called me daily for the first week and then it kind of slowed down to like three calls in the second week. I almost never called her back, only twice in two weeks. I am such a shit.

Those phone calls were tense and awkward as I struggled to find the words to say to my beautiful blonde. The words just kept escaping me. I struggled constantly with the thoughts racing around in my head, it was like this battle between my head and my heart and I had no idea which one was going to win.

Aiden kept trying to call me and dropping by to see me. We spoke a little and hung out once or twice, but we kept it at the friend level. He kept trying to make it more but I just couldn't. I couldn't commit to one or the other while I was so torn. I had to sort out this tangled mess in my head before I could be anything to either of them.

I know that every day I refuse to make a choice hurts them both, especially Spencer. She needs her girlfriend right now and I keep letting her down. Every day that I avoided her calls or didn't go to see her, just cut her more deeply. My guilt was extreme and it made me want to run which, let's face it, is what I'm best at. I avoid life when it gets too tough.

It was exactly two weeks and three days since Clay's funeral when my mother came to me and offered me a two month trip around Europe. It seemed like the answer to all my problems. I could get away and avoid the awkwardness and tension while I tried to sort my head out.

That night I text Aiden and told him I was leaving for two months. He was confused and a little hurt but I think he was certain I would ultimately choose him so he was ok with me going. His arrogance was a little infuriating.

I considered texting Spencer as well, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her in a text message. I owed it to her to tell her I was leaving face to face. Problem was I was too fucking terrified to actually go and see her. I debated and fought with myself constantly. I hated myself for what I was doing to the girl I loved.

The night before I was due to leave I forced myself to go over to Spencer's house. Glen let me in with a harsh glare and a few choice words, which I totally deserved. I let myself into Spencer's room. She was curled up on her bed facing the door. As soon as I walked in she sat up, it was obvious that she had been crying. I hated seeing her hurting like that, it broke my heart.

I moved into the room and closed her door behind me. Spencer looked over at me with an unreadable expression on her face as she shut off her Ipod.

"I haven't seen you in a while," She muttered.

I looked down at the floor, ashamed. "I know, I'm sorry I should have come by or called more," I murmured, avoiding her gaze.

"Well then why didn't you? Why haven't you been there for me?" She cried.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, "I, uh, I didn't know what to say or do Spence. I didn't want to make things worse or harder for you so I stayed away. I'm really sorry."

Spencer scoffed, "I'm getting a little sick of hearing you apologise. You keep saying you're sorry for not being there for me but then you still avoid me. Don't apologise if you don't mean it!"

"Spence. I _do_ mean it, I am so sorry!" I said sadly.

"You have a funny way of showing it Ash," Spencer shook her head and blinked back tears, "So what are you doing here?"

I chickened out and just said, "I wanted to see how you are."

"Honestly? I'm shit. I can't sleep, I can't eat. All I seem to do is lie here and cry. God it's all so messed up. I miss my brother so much that is hurts like a physical pain that I can't ease. Clay was always there for me, always had my back and now I have no one," she said as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Spencer you have me," Even as I said it I knew it was a lie, she didn't have me. I was running away to leave her to cope alone. I was abandoning her when she needed me the most. I was the most despicable human being,

Spencer just shook her head and smiled sadly before she said, "I wasn't just crying over Clay, I was crying over you too. I miss you Ash, I miss my girlfriend and I miss my best friend. I really needed both of them the last few weeks. I was crying because the girl I love is torn between me and somebody else. I was crying because it hurts that you have to chose, I thought there would never be a choice, I thought I was it. I guess I was wrong."

"Spencer, I love you, I really do. I just…fuck I'm so confused. Aiden is my oldest friend, and it's all so overwhelming," I paused and took a deep breath, "which is why I'm leaving L.A. for a while."

The silence after my confession was so absolute that I could practically hear her heart shatter. "I guess that's your answer to everything, run away," she whispered hoarsely as she fought tears. "I guess when you said that I had you, you didn't really mean it huh?" I just looked at my feet as shame coloured my face. "So where are you going?"

"My Mom is taking me to Europe for two months," I said in a flat emotionless voice. Spencer looked stunned, as though I had slapped her, I guess I might have well of, it probably would have hurt less than what I was doing to her.

Spencer's breathing sped up as she struggled to control her emotions. Finally she raised her eyes to meet mine and I almost threw up at the betrayed, heartbroken look on her face. "I'm so sorry," I whispered.

I walked to her side, all the while my eyes locked on hers. I leaned over and kissed her softly on the forehead. Spencer closed her eyes at my touch and kept them closed as tears leaked out from under her eye lids and drenched her cheeks. I whispered, "Goodbye," and turned to walk out of her room.

I paused in the doorway and turned back to face her. Spencer had her face buried in her hands and her shoulders shook as she sobbed silently. I felt tears falling down my own cheeks and I turned and bolted from the Carlin's.

The next morning at 6.15 am I was on a plane for London.

So do you hate me yet? If you don't you should. I hate me if it's any consolation.

Every day that I was away I thought of Spencer constantly. She was always on my mind. I was in Europe 61 days. For everyday that I was there I wrote a letter to my girl…


	4. Setting the Scene, Spencer Part 2

**Thank you to all who read and reviewed.**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Setting The Scene – Spencer Part 2**

After the service was over my Mom wrapped an arm around me and led us back to the long black car. We drove back to our house in silence. It didn't feel like home without Clay there. As soon as we walked in I ran up stairs to my bedroom and flung myself down on my bed. I was in too much pain to even cry. I just lay there.

I knew my family were coping with their own grief and would leave me alone. In all honesty there were exactly two people I wanted to come through my door and for completely different reasons neither would. Clay because life was cruel like that and had taken him permanently away from me, and Ashley...well Ashley wasn't here because she had voluntarily walked away. She had pulled so far away from me she was a shadow on the horizon.

I couldn't really comprehend how she could tell me she loves me and then walk away when I need her the most. I just wanted her to hold me in her arms and tell me that everything was going to be ok, even if it was a lie. I just wanted her beside me. I needed her.

I lay on my bed for the longest time until I heard my parent's bedroom door slam and my father's quiet voice begging my mother to come out. This was killing her. I couldn't even comprehend what it must feel like for a parent to bury a child. We were all just so fucking broken.

I slipped out of my room and to the top of the stairs where I had to pause. The last person I thought would ever have the balls to show their face here was standing in my house staring at the girl who was technically still my girlfriend. I felt rage pounding through my veins as I began to make my way down the stairs. Aiden hadn't seen me, but Ashley sure had.

His eyes were locked on her, he wasn't aware of anyone else, not me or my brother who was about thirty seconds from kicking his ass or even Kyla, whose heart he'd crushed like mine. As he neared her I clenched my teeth and muttered furiously, "You've got to be kidding me!"

I felt an angry sneer twist my previously emotionless face as I stepped off the stairs. I was vaguely aware of Glen, Madison, Chelsea, Sean and Boz all stepping closer as if to protect me, really they should be protecting Aiden.

I saw Ashley's eyes flick to mine as she shook her head and mumbled to Aiden, "Aiden what are you doing here? You so need to leave!"

He looked confused and he stepped closer to her, making me narrow my eyes, and said passionately, "What? Why? I just want to pay my respects and to...uh see you Ash. I haven't seen you much since the hospital." I felt a tiny bit better knowing she had been avoiding him as well as me, but that was quickly overcome by the all-consuming rage I was feeling.

I folded my arms over my chest and glared hard at him as I sneered, "Wow Aiden, first you tell my girlfriend that you love her at Prom and now you show up at my brother's funeral to see her, gotta give you credit for a complete lack of timing or consideration for other people's feelings!" I briefly flicked my eyes over to Ashley, feeling my heart break as I looked at her. I hardened my expression to one of anger, letting her know how much she was hurting me before turning back to Aiden.

He shuffled a little on his feet before mumbling, "Spencer, I'm sorry. I feel bad about what happened at prom, but you just can't cut off who you love."

I rolled my eyes and spat at him, "Oh for fucks sake, get a better line Aiden! That one's getting old. You know I actually felt sorry for you. I know what it's like to be in love with Ashley," I paused to look over at her, her big brown eyes looked as broken as I felt, "and then you got shot. Aiden I felt awful for you and then you go and pull a stunt like this! You turn up to _my_ brother's funeral to see _my_ girlfriend, well I'm assuming she's still my girlfriend."

Tears began to pour from my eyes and run in rivers down my already tear stained cheeks. I felt sobs being ripped from my chest and my body began to tremble. It was too much, too fucking much! I screamed at them all, "You know what? I can't deal with this right now, today I'm trying to say goodbye to my brother."

I spun on my heel and bolted from the room, towards the backyard. I needed air.

I half expected Ashley to follow me, instead Glen raced outside and pulled my convulsing body into his arms. I soaked his shirt in my tears as I completely broke down. He didn't say a word, he knew there was nothing that he could say, not a damn thing. He just held me, like I had been longing for Ashley to do.

We stood out there for a while, with Glen just holding me against him while I cried. I sniffled softly and pulled back out of his embrace, giving him a tiny smile of thanks. I stepped away and looked out over the garden. I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder before he turned and went back into the house.

I needed a minute to myself. I was still fuming about Aiden. How dare he turn up to _my _house on the day if my brother's funeral to see my girlfriend. What kind of insensitive asshole does that? I have never really hated anyone before, but in that moment I hated him. I also hated Ashley a little bit too. She was hurting me more than he ever could with her indecision and inability to be there for me.

I stood outside, breathing in the crisp, slightly cool air before I wandered around to the front of the house. I saw her Porsche parked up against the curb and wandered over to it. We had shared some amazing memories in that car. From the time we ran away after my mother caught us in bed together and wigged out, to the many hugs, kisses and intimate moments. This car had borne witness to many, many moments in our relationship.

I looked up as I heard my front door close gently. I leant up against the car and folded my arms over my chest in a defensive gesture. I felt the need to physically shield my heart from the one person I used to trust implicitly with it.

She had her eyes on the ground as she walked, only raising them at the last moment to catch my accusing stare. I snarled at her, "So I see you were going to leave without even saying a word to me. That's nice Ash, really nice. It's my brother's funeral and the girl I'm in love with can't even get over herself long enough to say one fucking word to me." I couldn't honestly remember ever feeling so angry at the gorgeous brunette in front of me.

She bit her lip as tears filled her eyes and she choked out, "Spence, it's not even like that, I wanted to be there for you so badly, but I have no idea what to say to you. I don't know what to do to make this better."

I shook my head and sighed tiredly, this was all so draining. "I don't want you to make this better, you can't. What I want from you was just for you to be there for me, even if that meant just sitting with me and not saying a word. I just needed to know you were there for me Ash, even if that meant as my best friend and not my..." I let my voice trail off, unable to utter the word girlfriend. I closed my eyes hard against the fresh tears that were threatening to fall.

I snapped my eyes open when I heard Ashley breath out, "girlfriend?"

I threw her a cold, sarcastic smile and snapped, "If that's what I even am anymore. You know what though, this isn't about Aiden and the disaster that was Prom, this is about the fact that I lost my brother and you haven't been there for me. That's what really hurts Ashley." My voice cracked on her name as tears spilled from my eyes.

I watched her face twist into an expression of regret and pain before she cried, "Spencer I'm so sorry. I want to be there for you, I do, I just don't know how. After everything that happened I didn't want to cause you anymore pain so I stayed away. I'm so sorry."

I had to harden my heart at the heart-breaking look on her face. I wanted to comfort her, hold her and tell _her_ it was ok. I couldn't do that. I barely had enough strength left to hold myself together, I couldn't fix her too.

I felt my tears falling hard and fast as I all but screamed, "you're sorry huh? God Ashley I've needed you so much this last week, I really needed you and you weren't there."

She took a step closer and I tensed up. She reached out and pulled me into her arms. I struggled violently in her grasp, trying to push her away. It was too little too late. She couldn't just hold me now and make it all go away. I struggled a bit more and then the fight went out of me and I sunk into her embrace, sobbing with my face buried in her neck.

She pulled me close against her and rocked me gently in her arms. I let myself succumb to the comfort of her embrace, the place I had once thought of as the safest in my world. I wasn't so sure any more, but I needed her. I needed to feel her.

I sobbed hard and violently against her, my cries shaking both our bodies and my tears drenching her shirt, but still she held me. I felt her hands start to run up and down my back in soothing patterns as she murmured into my hair, "Spencer no matter what's happening between us I want you to know I love you and I want to be here for you. I just wish I could take away your pain." God how I wished she could take away my pain too.

I sighed against the smooth skin of her neck and felt my tears starting to slow. I was about to speak when the sound of my front door slamming made me jump and turn my head to find out who was interrupting our moment. I heard her curse under her breath as she saw who was standing on my door step staring at us with his stupid woe-is-me expression. Aiden.

I tensed up in her arms and then violently jerked away from her. Just seeing him brought it all back and made me feel so hurt and betrayed. I glared hatefully at Aiden and then turned to face her, my expression changing to one of heart-break, "I can't do this. I said it wasn't about Aiden and what happened at prom but you know what it partly is. You need to decide Ashley." I'd said all I had to say so I turned on my heel and bolted back towards the backyard. I had to be away from both of them.

I went inside and up to my bedroom where I cried myself to sleep.

The week that followed Clay's funeral I called her daily. I just needed to hear her voice, even if she wasn't ready to make a choice. I needed her. By the time the second week since Clay's funeral was over my calls to her had dropped off to like one every few days. She never answered the phone when I rang and only called me back twice.

Those calls were tense and full of strained silences. It was like we couldn't even bring ourselves to speak to each other. Each call, or lack there off, just made me angrier and angrier. She wasn't being fair to me.

Glen was going out of his way to be there for me, so was Mom and Dad, but they were all hurting too. I didn't want to burden them with my drama. I was just so sick of hurting, of crying.

I had taken to listening to loud, angry music that perfectly mirrored the turmoil inside. I found comfort in the music. I was constantly listening to it, anything to drown out the thoughts in my head that were telling me to give up. I couldn't, I wouldn't. That was no way to honour my brother's memory.

I felt like a shadow of who I used to be. I walked around in a constant fog. My house was no longer the happy place it had once been. The warmth was gone and in its place was a deep sadness that permeated every surface, people included.

I stopped calling Ashley in the third week since the funeral. I couldn't keep putting myself out there and getting kicked in the face. It seemed to me she'd made her choice. She'd chosen to leave me, whether it was for Aiden or not I didn't fucking care anymore. All I knew was that she was gone.

About three and a half weeks since the funeral I was lying on my bed with my Ipod blaring music into my ears. The tears were pouring down my face. Tears for a lost brother, tears for a lost love and tears for lost friendships. That was a lot of loss for a 17 year old to cope with.

In the time since prom I had lost weight, I was hardly eating and rarely sleeping through the night. I was having intense nightmares every night and every time I woke up from one I reached for my phone to call Ashley, always retracting my fingers before they could reach the cold plastic of my cell. I knew she wouldn't answer anyway.

I heard the door open behind me and pulled my ear phones out of my ears before drying my eyes with the backs if my hands. I sat up and found Ashley standing on the threshold of my room. She looked tired and sad as she stepped into my room and closed the door softly behind her. I didn't know what to feel. How was I supposed to react to seeing her after the silence and disappearing act?

I looked up at her and muttered, "I haven't seen you in a while."

She looked down at my carpet as shame coloured her face. Good, she should feel ashamed. She avoided my gaze and murmured, "I know, I'm sorry I should have come by or called more."

I felt more tears fill my eyes. Fuck! Will there ever be an end to my tears? I stared at her and choked out, "then why didn't you? Why haven't you been there for me?"

I saw her swallow hard before stammering, "I, uh, I didn't know what to say or do Spence. I didn't want to make things worse or harder for you so I stayed away. I'm really sorry."

I scoffed and fought the urge to roll my eyes, "I'm getting a little sick of hearing you apologise. You keep saying you're sorry for not being there for me but then you still avoid me. Don't apologise if you don't mean it!"

She raised her tear filled eyes to meet mine and said sadly, "Spence, I _do_ mean it, I am so sorry!"

I shook my head and blinked back more tears as I muttered, "You have a funny way of showing it Ash. So what are you doing here?"

She opened her mouth and then snapped it shut before murmuring, "I wanted to see how you are."

I almost laughed at the absurdity of that. If she wanted to know how I was she could have picked up the phone some time in the last few weeks.

I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as I sobbed, "Honestly? I'm shit. I can't sleep, I can't eat. All I seem to do is lie here and cry. God it's all so messed up. I miss my brother so much that it hurts like a physical pain that I can't ease. Clay was always there for me, always had my back and now I have no one." I truly felt more alone than I ever had in my life. It was almost unbearable.

Ashley stepped closer and murmured, unconvincingly, "Spencer you have me." That was bullshit, in no way did I have her.

I shook my head and smiled sadly over at her, "I wasn't just crying over Clay, I was crying over you too. I miss you Ash, I miss my girlfriend and I miss my best friend. I really needed both of them the last few weeks. I was crying because the girl I love is torn between me and somebody else. I was crying because it hurts that you have to chose, I thought there would never be a choice, I thought I was it. I guess I was wrong."

Nothing hurt more than losing a loved one, but a close second was realising that person I love either didn't love me as much as I did her, or that she was too fucking scared to chose me. If the situations had been reversed I never would have had to chose, she would have been my only option.

Ashley looked scared, torn and overwhelmed as she cried out, "Spencer, I love you, I really do. I just...fuck I'm so confused. Aiden is my oldest friend, and it's all so overwhelming," she paused and took a deep, shuddering breath, "which is why I'm leaving L.A. for a while."

I stared at her in shocked horror, I was silent for a moment. I think that was the second she finally totalled my heart. I raised my confused, hurt eyes to hers and whispered huskily, "I guess that's your answer to everything, run away." I struggled to keep my tears at bay as I spat out, "I guess when you said that I had you, you didn't really mean it huh? So where are you going?"

She was staring down at her feet as shame coloured her face. I couldn't quite believe she was doing this to me. Her voice was emotionless as she replied, "My Mom is taking me to Europe for two months."

I staggered a little as though she'd slapped me. It kind of felt like she had. The pain from this latest betrayal and abandonment was not going away anytime soon. My breathing became fast and erratic as I struggled with my emotions. I felt so hurt, so fucking broken. I raised my eyes to her face and stared at her with accusation flashing in my teary eyes.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered brokenly. I kept my eyes on her as she walked to my side. She leaned over and kissed me softly on the forehead. I closed my eyes at her touch, every motion saying goodbye. I clenched my eyes tight as the tears leaked out and stained my cheeks. I faintly heard her whisper, "Goodbye," and then she was gone.

I buried my face in my hands and sobbed silently. I had no strength in me for loud, wracking sobs. I cried until I fell into a trouble sleep.

Ashley was gone for two months, two long months where I fought to get my life back, where I fought to survive what I was sure would kill me.

For those two months I tried to move on, telling myself she wasn't worth it. It didn't stop me thinking of her though...


	5. Letter One

**The majority of this story will be in the form of letters and diary entries. The letters are Ashley's POV while the diary entries are Spencer's. **

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter 1**

Hey Spencer,

I arrived in London this afternoon with Mom, stop numero uno on our tour of Europe. It was a freaking long flight and let me just say that no one should ever have to spend that many hours stuck next to my mother without strong medication or a lot of booze! I wouldn't even wish that torture on Madison and she kind of deserves to be tortured eternally in one of the levels of hell.

Although since we arrived, it's been weird, my Mom has seemed to be actually concerned about me. I didn't even think she was capable of that emotion or any real emotion for that matter. She even asked me how I am after the whole prom thing. We'll see how long it lasts. My money is on it being back to business as usual by breakfast tomorrow if not sooner.

Spencer, I've been thinking about you constantly since I left your house last night. It nearly killed me to say goodbye and leave you crying like that. I hate that all I seem to do is cause you more pain. I want to be there for you, but I still don't know what to say. God I wish I did.

I wish I could take away all your problems and make you smile again, but I don't think I am the person to do that. Since you met me I have only made your life harder and more complicated. I don't deserve to have someone as wonderful as you in my life.

Since prom, the night that our whole world went to shit, I have struggled to know what to say or what to do. I am so confused and I admit it, I avoided you Spence which I know you are more than aware of. I have been stuck in this limbo of confusion. I am a shit, you lost your brother and I checked out on you.

I still haven't given you an answer to the question you asked me at prom, about Aiden. I'm not sure I am capable of giving you an answer right now because I am so fucking scared and confused. My head is full of so many conflicting thoughts right now and I am struggling to figure them all out.

Spencer you deserve so much more than this. So much more than all the drama and crap I have put you through. Your life would have been so much better if you had never met me, mine of course would be so much if you hadn't come into it.

Do you remember that night you came to take care of me and I told you I wasn't easy to be with? God I wish I had been wrong. I wish I had been able to be everything you need and deserve me to be.

Well I'd better go to sleep, it was an early flight, plus jet lag is a bitch.

You may not believe this Spencer, but I love you. I just really hope you know that, even though you probably hate me.

Love you forever and always,

Ashley

xoxoxo


	6. Diary One

**Thank you to all who read and/or reviewed.**

**Just a reminder, the letters are Ashley's POV, the diary entries are Spencer's.**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary Entry 1**

I used to be really good at keeping a diary. I was one of those girls who were religious about writing things down. As soon as anything big or small happened to me I would have to write it down.

There is a box hidden in the very back of my closet full of all the diaries I kept from age 8 until I was fifteen. I stopped writing in my diary after the first time I had sex. I didn't know what to write about it so I just stopped. It wasn't the most wonderful of first time. I guess the less said about my first ever sexual experience the better.

I guess the point I was getting at is that it has been a long time since I felt the need to chronicle my feelings on paper, but this last month or so things have gotten so far out of my control that I have no idea how to cope with them without writing them down.

I think there is power in the written word. By writing down what is swimming in my head I feel like I can think about it more clearly and maybe, just maybe start to make sense of all this. When it's on the page it can't hurt me as much. But then again maybe that is just wishful thinking.

Almost a month ago I experienced the worst night of my young life. In a matter of a few minutes I lost my brother and some one I thought really loved me. It's funny how short a moment has the ability to totally change your life. In less than ten minutes my life was changed forever.

I thought there could be no greater pain than losing a loved one, a brother who was also a friend and close confidant. But I was wrong. The pain from that experience paled in comparison to having to cope with the loss of a loved one and the aftermath and then being abandoned by the person you love more than you though someone your age was capable of loving.

I have been grieving my brother alone. My family are so consumed with their own grief, I know we all want to support each other, but right now it's too much. Being around their grief just makes it harder to cope with mine. The only person I wanted to help me through this is too caught up in her own shit to be there for me. The first sign of trouble, the first instance where I might need her rather than her needing me and she bolts. I mean literally bolts, as in to the other side of the globe bolts.

Ashley, my first girlfriend, the first girl I kissed, the first girl I had sex with, caught the first flight out of LAX this morning headed for Heathrow. She once told me that she fantasised about getting on the first plane out of LAX going anywhere, I never really expected her to actually do it. Although I suppose her dream flight probably didn't include her bitch mother being there.

Yeah my girlfriend decides to stop being a girlfriend and then her neglectful, absentee mother actually decides to be a real mother and spend time with her daughter. The world can be a confusing, ironic bitch sometimes.

I can vividly remember the moment she told me she was leaving, she left it until the very last moment too, she only told me last night. She looked so guilty, and I just felt so abandoned. It was like not only kicking some one when they're down, but dousing them in gasoline and then setting them on fire while they're down.

I am angry, hurt, betrayed, lost, sad and a million other emotions that all add up to me feeling like total shit.

I wish Clay was here. He would have gone out to the garden and picked me a daisy to cheer me up. He would probably bring it up to me, hiding it behind his back and then asking me to pick a hand with a big goofy smile on his face. God I miss him so much!

I just miss him so much.


	7. Letter Two

**Thank you to all who read and/or reviewed**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter 2**

Hey Spence,

So I dreamed about you last night. We were at the beach in our spot under the pier. It was getting close to sunset and the sky was this mix of pinks, purples, blues and golds. I was lying back in the sand with you cradled against my chest. My arms were wrapped around you and you were snuggling into my body. It was so real I could smell the raspberry scent of your shampoo. You looked up at me, smiled and then kissed me softly on the lips. That's when I woke up.

I woke up with the hugest smile and then as soon as I was fully awake I realized that you weren't lying in my arms and I cried. I wanted so badly to go back to sleep and stay in that dream so I didn't have to face reality. I hate the way things are between us Spence, and I hate the fact that it's all my fault. I really and truly am such a screw up!

After my dream I couldn't get back to sleep so I just sat out on the balcony of the hotel room and looked out over a sleeping London. It was kind of cool to sit there and watch as the city came to life. I really think you'd like it over here (well from the little that I've seen anyway).

While I was sitting out on the balcony feeling sorry for myself my Mom actually came out and asked me if I was ok. I know, huge shock right? Who knew that woman ever noticed anyone other than herself or her man of the hour? She even brought me out a coffee and a danish, I really think it's a sign of the coming apocalypse, I'm just waiting for the Hellmouth to open now, Buffy should be showing up any minute now.

I know what you would say if you were here with me. I can hear your voice like you're right here next to me. You'd tell me that families are precious and that I should give her a chance. You'd tell me to not be so cynical and that sometimes people surprise you. You'd tell me to give her a chance and that maybe she actually wants to make it all up to me. You'd say that for better or worse she is my mother and that I owe her the benefit of the doubt. You'd say all that with an adorable head tilt and that soft, secret smile that I know is reserved only for me and I would roll my eyes but ultimately agree with you because I can't resist that head tilt and smile combo, as you well know.

I remember all too well the first time I was graced with the Spencer Carlin patented head tilt. It was the day we met when I came and found you in the gym. I remember that morning when you tried to ask me for help and I got all bitchy and nasty and blew you off, which was business as usual for me at King High, but there was something about you that made me actually start to feel bad about it during the day. I couldn't for the life of me stop thinking about you. By the time school was over I felt this urge to find you and try to get to know you. Ok I'll admit it I thought you were hot, but it was more than that. Spencer I couldn't get you off my mind that whole day, or any day since to be honest. So anyway back to the first of many Spencer Carlin head tilts that have been thrown my way.

I wandered into the gym because I'd listened to the rumors about the new girl and heard you were a cheerleader (which by the way almost made me stay away, but I just couldn't it was like gravity) so I thought the gym was a good place to look for you. It must have been fate because there you were sitting with your notebook on your lap _actually_ doing homework. I strutted over to you and made some smart assed comment asking you whether you were a basketball fan or just liked watching guys pat each other on the ass. You looked up at me with the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen. I sat down and you rather sassily asked me if I was on meds while throwing in that head tilt of yours. I was a total goner! Here you were the most beautiful girl I had ever (and will ever) seen, who has the most incredible blue eyes in existence and not only were you capable of stringing a sentence together but you were also sassy. A cheerleader with a brain and a mind of her own. I was immediately hooked. I knew in that moment that I had to have you in my life.

I guess I fucked that up didn't I?

So anyway after breakfast this morning my Mom took me on a shopping extravaganza where we spent more money that an entire semester of college at UCLA would cost. My Mom went psycho and brought like 57 pairs of shoes, it was scary. The poor driver (who I think wanted to cry at how 'American' my Mom was) had to call for another car to come and pick up all the shit my mother splurged on during our little expedition. I really have to wonder how she plans to get all this stuff back to L.A.

After shopping my Mom took me out for this really nice dinner where she had an actual conversation with me, shock horror she even remembered that I had a girlfriend and asked about you (she did think your name was Stacey though, I guess you gotta give her points for getting the first letter and a vowel right). I didn't really tell her too much about what's going on with us. I guess I'm still ashamed of how I left you and I'm still not sure where you and I are at the moment.

Well my lovely it's late and I need to get some sleep.

Please know that I'm thinking of you Spence.

Love Always,

Ashley

xoxox


	8. Diary Two

**Thanks to those who read and review**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary Entry 2**

I didn't sleep much last night. I just lay in my bed staring up at the ceiling thinking about everything. By everything I of course mean Clay and Ashley oh and maybe Aiden a little. I mean the guy was my friend and then he went and declared his love for my girlfriend like it was a perfectly understandable thing to do. He never really apologised for it, it was like he has never felt a shred of remorse for what he has done.

I mean he said the words 'I'm sorry', but then followed them with the word 'but'. No apology followed by 'but' is a genuine one. You say I'm sorry but, what you're really saying is 'I am apologising because I feel I have to _but_ I think I am justified in what I did'.

Aiden's actions before and after Prom night only tell me that he has no fucking remorse for all the hurt he has caused, and not even just to me and Ashley, but to Kyla to. I mean she loved him. He let her fall for him when he knew he was still having feelings for Ashley. What kind of selfish prick does that? I wish Ashley could see him for the cretin that he is.

I still can't get over the fact that he showed up to my brother's wake to see _my_ girlfriend. That has got to be the most despicable thing he could have done. In a normal personal, with feelings and compassion, the thought of turning up like that wouldn't have happened. Aiden is a selfish, manipulative asshole who couldn't bear that his ex had moved on.

I firmly believe that he isn't really in love with her, he just doesn't want to lose her to someone else. Especially if that someone else is a girl _he _tried to get together with. I hate him for what he has done, and I don't usually hate anyone. I always saw hate as a waste of time, but I can't help but hate him.

Ashley has been gone almost two whole days and I haven't heard a word. I know she had been avoiding me and ignoring me since Prom, but I still kind of expected her to call me once she arrived in London, you know maybe let me know she made it there safely.

Maybe that was too much to expect.

I sound so bitter now, and I hate that. I hate that this has all made me a bitter person. It's not who I am, or who I want to be. Prom night changed everything forever.

It was a night that was supposed to be one of the best of my life. Prom is supposed to be a night to remember, and this one definitely will be but for all the wrong reasons. Prom will now forever be associated with heartbreak, loss, betrayal and overwhelming, soul-crushing pain. Prom night took so much away from me. I lost my brother, someone I thought really loved me and even someone I used to consider a close friend.

Who knew that one night had the power to change everything?

I wish with all I have that I could take that night back, I wish I could go back to the day before Prom and stop the series of events that took place. I wish I could fix it and make right, because right now everything is so fucked up.

I want to go back and warn everyone about the guns before the shooting started. I want to save my brother and the others we lost that night. I want to go back and kick Aiden in the fucking nads before he can utter a single word to my girlfriend. I want to go back to a time where I didn't feel so hurt and betrayed by the girl I love.

I guess I won't be getting what I want anytime soon. Although I might just kick Aiden in the nads, just for funsies!


	9. Letter Three

**Thanks to all who reviewed and read this fic.**

**Disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter 3**

Hi Beautiful,

I dreamed about you again last night, only this time we were sitting at a table in the quad at school. You were holding my hand and leaning into my body. I felt so warm wherever we were touching, just like I always do. Being next to you made me feel warm, loved and safe. I looked up and you were crying, these huge tears were streaming down your beautiful face. It really killed me to see you cry, always has. You took my face in your hands, told me you loved me, kissed me tenderly on the lips and then walked away.

I woke up and once again cried when I remembered that you weren't with me and that it was entirely my fault that we are apart. For the second morning in a row I sat on the balcony and watched London come to life. I must have been out there for hours when my Mom brought out a tray of breakfast (room service, that woman has not cooked once in her entire life) and coffee for both of us. We sat on the balcony and ate in silence, but it wasn't the usual awkward silence that I experience in the rare occasions when me and my mother have a meal together, it was oddly comfortable.

I kept noticing her watching me though so being me I rather obnoxiously asked her why she was staring at me, ok I may have thrown an expletive in there too. Normally that would set Mom off but today she just looked kinda sad for a moment and then admitted that she was worried about me. Yeah that's right, Christine Davies the ice woman herself actually verbalized that she was worried about her daughter. I bet its starting to get cold in hell!

In my stunned state I told her, not very convincingly, that I was fine. I guess she has a better bull shit meter than I have ever given her credit for because she straight away told me that she could tell I wasn't fine and that if I wanted to talk to her I could. Once again I was stunned. I wanted so badly to open up to her, but after my history with the woman I just couldn't. I'm scared that if I let myself be vulnerable to her she'll hurt me again Spence. I know it seems stupid, I'm so scared of getting hurt by her I'm not even giving her the chance to surprise me. I guess it's the same thing I'm doing to you.

Man I am so fucked up Spence, and given my mother is it any surprise? I mean why does it take a shooting at my school for my Mom to finally step up and act like a real Mom? Why can't she just love me and be there for me all the time instead of it taking a tragedy to make her take an interest?

Despite all the issues you and I have had with your Mom, I'd give anything to have my Mom be like yours. God I so don't want Paula knowing I said that. I guess I just wish my Mom could care about me like yours cares about you. I know she has given you a lot of shit since you came out, but it's so clear how much she loves you and I wish I had that.

I guess it's true what they say, you really can't pick your family. I guess that's why I can't walk away from Aiden. He is the family I have chosen for myself. He knows me and knows my history and he is the one person I'm not scared will abandon me. I know you never abandoned me Spence. I'm just terrified you will so instead I abandoned you. Yeah that's me, hurt before you get hurt. I am such a bitch.

You called me this morning. When I saw your name flash across the screen on my phone I instantly felt alive…for a second and then I froze. I was so desperate to talk to you, to hear your voice, but I had no clue what to say. I debated with myself about whether or not to answer the call and then the call went through to voicemail.

I listened to that voicemail message you left so many times that I have it memorized, "Ash, its Spencer. I uh, I just wanted to talk to you, hear your voice so um give me a call when you get a chance. Bye Ashley."

I played that message over and over again, judging by the huskiness and slight tremor in your voice I'd say you'd been crying. I hate that you are in any pain, especially since some of it is my fault. I am in no way arrogant enough to say it's all down to me, but I do blame myself for making your pain worse when all I want to do is make it better.

What makes me angry at myself is that I've lost someone I love before, I know what that pain is like and yet I can't seem to do anything but make it worse for you. I am the most disgusting excuse for a girlfriend, because I guess that's what I still am. I mean we never really broke up, it just feels like everything got put on hold after prom and losing Clay.

Spencer I think about you constantly. It's funny how I'm in a foreign country but still everything reminds me of you. Like today during our guided tour of London (we went to the Tower of London, it was so creepy/awesome) we stopped at a little cafe for coffee (or tea seeing as we're in England) and the donuts on the counter instantly made me think of you. It especially made me think of the morning you came over and brought me coffee and donuts for breakfast.

You were always so good to me Spence and I keep throwing it back in your face. Like that morning, I barely thanked you for bringing me breakfast and then spent a good twenty minutes on the phone talking to Aiden. In hindsight it is no surprise you were suspicious of him and me, we gave you every reason to be. I swear though, from my end it has always been friendship between me and Aiden, I never cheated on you.

Spencer, I am so sorry for the pain I've caused you.

Tomorrow it will be four days since we arrived in London and I have thought of you every minute since I got here.

I love you,

Ashley

xoxox


	10. Diary Three

**As always thank you to all who read/review/alert this story, it is much appreciated!**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN is not mine**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary Entry 3**

I broke, today I called Ashley. I know, how dumb am I? She has made it abundantly clearly how she feels about me and yet I put myself out there for more rejection. Let's call it a blonde moment, or a moment of weakness. I couldn't help it though. I love her and I miss her. No matter how angry I am or how hurt, it doesn't change how I feel for her. Kinda wish it did.

It probably shouldn't have surprised me, but she didn't answer her phone. I know, shocking right? It went straight through to voicemail and I was just going to hang up, but then I just started talking. I don't know why, it's not like I'm actually thinking she'll call me back. That would be expecting too much from my hot and cold, indecisive and scared girlfriend.

This is basically what I said in the voicemail message I left, "Ash, its Spencer. I just wanted to talk to you, hear your voice so give me a call when you get a chance. Bye Ashley."

I know it was a lame message. I doubt she even listened to it before she deleted it from her phone. Why did I even call her? I had to know it was going to just leave me feeling even more shit than I did before. For a smart girl I can be really fucking dumb sometimes.

I was stupid, I honestly thought that despite everything she would actually get over herself and be there for me. I guess it was too much to ask that she be there for me the way I was for her when her father died.

I remember how I felt when her Dad died. I was scared and overwhelmed because I wasn't sure how to be there for her. I didn't let that stop me from trying though. All I kept thinking about was how could I make it better for her. I sat and thought for hours of things I could say or do to ease her pain. I stood by her, refused to let her push me away because I knew she needed me, even if she was sure she didn't.

I wanted to support her and make sure she was going to be ok. There was nothing I wouldn't have done then to help her out. It's a shame it wasn't a two way kind of deal. Ashley Davies is nothing if not selfish as she has proven time and time again.

I'm starting to think that the only person that matters in her world is herself. Not a nice thing to think, but its not like I have evidence to dispute that.

One thing I know, one thing I'm sure of, is that Ashley Davies needs to grow the fuck up.

I've taken to listening to music almost twenty four hours a day, it seems to be all that gives me any solace or comfort. My music has been ranging from angry, angst filled rock to heart-breaking love songs.

Here's some lyrics I have had swimming in my head tonight, they're kind of fitting don't you think?

Feeling like this could only mean  
I'm sinking.  
Feeling like this could only mean  
I'm sinking.  
Well, I'm sinking.  
Pull me up.

Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor,  
I say I thought you would be home.  
You said you never would be gone.  
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,  
I say I thought you would be home.  
You said you never would be gone,  
But you are.  
You are.

Feeling overwhelmed, I take a drive  
To a once overfilled but now empty place to hide.  
The day you turned on me is the day I died,  
And I've forgotten what it's like,  
And how it feels to be alive.

Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor,  
I say I thought you would be home.  
You said you never would be gone.  
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,  
I say I thought you would be home.  
You said you never would be gone.

Reach up to the sky.  
When nothing seems to go right,  
When nothing seems to go right for me.

Every time I see your clothes scattered out on the floor.  
I say I thought you would be home.  
You said you never would be gone.  
Every time I see the light not burning on the porch,  
I say I thought you would be home.  
You never would be gone.  
I thought you would be home.  
You said you never would be gone,  
But you are.

**Song used:**

**Gone – Chris Daughtry**


	11. Letter Four

**Thanks for reading/reviewing/alerting**

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter 4**

Hey Spence,

I dreamed about you yet again, it's getting ridiculous Spencer! Even in my sleep I can't get away from thoughts of you. It's almost like karma is getting me back for all the shit I've done. Think about it, I treat you like crap, I desert you when you need me the most and karma gets me back by haunting me with thoughts of you.

This dream was less vivid than the ones I've had the last couple of nights. In this one I was chasing after you and I felt this desperation like I just had to get to you, like it was almost life or death or something. In the dream just as I would get to you, you would dodge out of my way. It was always like you were always just out of my reach.

Sometimes I really just want to get you out of my head, even just for a minute to give me a break from the constant guilt and shame that thinking of you makes me feel. I deserve to feel this way though.

I spoke to Kyla this morning she mentioned that you tow have been spending time together. I'll admit it, I'm jealous. In other news, apparently Aiden is back in hospital, they think he has been doing too much too fast for a guy who just got shot through the heart. From what Kyla said it's like the guy thinks he's invincible because he survived a bullet. He thinks nothing can touch him now. I'm pretty worried about him. I wonder if you and he are talking to each other, when I left it looked like you weren't going to be talking to him anytime soon, which is understandable. I really wouldn't blame you if you ignored both him and me indefinitely after what we've put you through. We both suck.

So Mom dragged me to so many art galleries and museums today (she says they are great places to meet intelligent men) it was insane. The strangest part though is that it seemed like she was really trying to cheer me up. I think my Mom must have had a personality transplant or something like that. I know I should be enjoying actually having a Mom that cares but I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to revert back to her usual vile self. Maybe I am just wired to always see the dark side of things and never enjoy the light, maybe that's why I've fucked up so badly with you.

I wish you were here with my now. I'm sitting in Hyde Park with my trusty laptop just watching the people passing by. My Mom went to have tea with an old friend of hers, she tried to get me to go but I really needed some alone time.

I think you would really love it here. I mean it's colder than I've ever felt in the middle of summer, being London and all, but it's beautiful. Maybe one day I'll get to bring you here and we can experience London together. Although even though you aren't physically here with me now I feel your presence all the time. Sometimes that feels like a good thing, sometimes it doesn't.

Aiden called me today. I didn't answer. It seemed wrong to answer his call and not yours. He left this voice mail that sounded really weird, he was saying things like he was scared he was going to lose me and that he couldn't survive if that happened. I was worried so I called him back. I know, I know, I suck. I suck for not calling you back yet and I suck for calling Aiden back when he is part of the reason things are so messed up between us right now.

I will call you back Spencer I promise, just as soon as I figure out what to say to you. That is what I am really struggling with right now.

So anyway I called Aiden and we talked for a while. He is in hospital like Ky said. He told me that they want to make sure he is 100% before they release him again. He said he saw your Mom. I guess she must have gone back to work or something, it must be so hard for her, for all of you. I wish I knew the right words to make you feel better and to express how sorry I am for all that you're going through. You are the one who is good with words, not me. I just flounder and more often than not say and do the wrong thing, but I guess you of all people know that huh?

Ok so back to my phone conversation with Aiden. He kept telling me how much he cared for me and how he wanted to be more than friends. It scared me Spence. I love the guy, I really do, but not like that. I am in love with you. I just can't lose Aiden. He is pretty much my only friend other than you. He and I have been through so much together and I can't stand the thought of losing him from my life. It feels like an impossible decision. If I chose you I lose one of my best friends and risk losing my heart and if I chose him I lose the love of my life and risk losing my heart anyway. It really is a no win situation, where no matter what someone, or more than one person, is going to get hurt.

Before you and I got together Aiden once told me I was scared that you would break my heart, that I was the one who did the heart breaking and that I was scared that you would be the person to break mine. Aiden was partly right. I am scared that you will break my heart and I am the one who does the heart breaking. I guess I broke your heart before you got the chance to break mine, clearly showing how completely fucked up I am.

My Mom just called asking me to meet her for dinner so I'd better wrap this up and get my butt back to the hotel.

I'll see you in my dreams,

Love Always,

Ashley

xoxo


	12. Diary Four

**Thanks to readers and reviewers.**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary 4**

So it's been twenty-four hours and Ashley still hasn't called me back. I guess she isn't going to. I really kind of needed her this morning, but seeing as she wasn't around I called Kyla. She was at my place in 5 minutes flat and she sat with me all day. She's been a rock for me lately.

I talked endless about why I was so upset and she just let me say what I had to and then watched movies with me, letting me pick any that I wanted. I was more used to just watching whatever Ashley wanted because I had always been so eager to please. Kyla is a good friend. And after this morning I needed that.

I was cleaning my room while blasting some loud and angry music through my headphones when I came across a letter that Clay wrote to me the day he came to live with us. He was 8 years old and I was about three months of turning 8 myself.

I'm going to copy the letter down in here just in case I ever lose the original. I never want to forget his words. This is what he wrote.

_Dear Spencer Carlin,_

_Hi Spencer, how are you? I'm pretty good. Yesterday I came to live with you, your Mom and Dad and your big brother Glen. Your Dad told me I was going to meet the nicest family ever and that they would be my family. It made me smile really big, because I haven't had a real family in a long, long time._

_Before I came here I was living with a foster family. They had five kids living with them and sometimes I think they forgot me. I don't think that will happen here. You all have been super nice to me, you Mom even made a special cake with a Ninja Turtle on it coz your Dad told her they were my favourite, do you like Ninja Turtles? If you do you can play with my Ninja turtle action figures anytime you like._

_I always wanted a real brother and sister. I lived with a lot of other kids, but we never stayed together long enough to really be family. I hope I stay here with you all forever and ever because I really like it here._

_I'm going to be a good big brother to you Spencer, I promise. I think you are very nice. You said to me yesterday that you wanted to be friends with me and that made me smile. I want to be friends with you too! Maybe I can help you with your homework if you ever get stuck because I am good at school most of the time. _

_Well I'd better go, but I just wanted to say thank you and that I am so glad I am going to be part of your family. _

_Love,_

_Clay_

Even after the shitty childhood he had, being passed from foster home to foster home, group home to group home, Clay was still the sweetest boy I ever knew. He was a gentle soul who was taken much too soon. He had so much to offer the world and it was all brutally taken away. That bullet stole a future we all should have had with him.

He never talked much about his life before coming to live with us, but sometimes he would look sad and I always figured it was because he was thinking about his past or maybe wondering about his mother. I have to say I am kind of disappointed his birth mother didn't come to the funeral, apparently she told Dad it was too hard.

I remember hearing Dad say to Clay once that our family became complete the day he came to live with us, and that is so true. Before Clay there was something missing and now there is going to forever be a gaping hole in our family. Nothing and no one will ever be able to fill it.

It has been over a month since we lost Clay and I still miss him every inch as much as I did the day he died. The pain isn't getting better, not even a little bit. I know he wouldn't want me to be hurting so much, Clay loved life and he wouldn't want anyone else's to stop on account of him, but I just can't find a reason to keep going.

What do I have to make me keep holding on? I lost my brother, my girlfriend/best friend and Aiden who was someone I considered a friend. I just feel so alone now.

Clay I hope you can hear me, or read this over my shoulder if your being a creepy stalker ghost, but I love you and I miss you. I hope you are at peace and not in any pain. I hope that we will meet again, I guess until then I've probably got myself one kick ass guardian angel.

I love you big brother.


	13. Letter Five

**Thank you to all who read and review**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter 5**

Spence,

I spoke to Kyla again this morning, I called her to see if she'd heard any more about Aiden and she told me that she spent all afternoon yesterday with you. I was so jealous. I wanted to be with you. It made me insane to know that she could comfort you when I couldn't, when I had been too much of a fucking coward to.

She mentioned that you had been upset about Clay, she wouldn't tell me more than that and it infuriated me, but I am glad that you have a friend and I am glad that she is being loyal to you. It gives me some comfort to know that she is looking out for you.

I was out at this designer's studio today with my Mom while she tried to add even more clothing to the insane amount she has already brought here and I seriously thought I saw you. There was this blonde girl who from the back looked exactly like you. I started walking over to her and then she turned around and it wasn't you, I guess my mind was playing tricks on me or something. I had to leave the room, it was all a bit too much for me.

Once again I dreamed about you last night, this one was intense. It was the day I came to you and told you I was going to Europe with my Mom. In the dream I had to relive every single second of that moment between us in slow motion. I was aware of everything you were feeling and it was awful. But this time instead of you just sitting there crying as I left you got up and started begging me to stay. You told me that you needed me and that I couldn't leave you. You cried and screamed and it tore at my heart.

I woke up sobbing and shaking all over at like 3am and could not get back to sleep afterwards. As painful as the dream was, and my God did it hurt, nothing compares to how much is sucks to wake up and realize that you aren't with me. Yeah I know I have no one to blame but myself. The way things are between us is entirely my fault…actually no it's kinda Aiden's fault too.

I really wish I could hate Aiden for what he feels for me, but I just can't. It would be so much easier if I could hate him. If I didn't need him in my life then there would be no problem, I could chose you and not care that it would cost me my oldest friend.

My Mom actually asked after you by name today, I know it was shocking. I kinda stared at her for a few minutes in surprise before I could answer her. She asked if I'd heard from you, I lied and told her I'd spoken to you on the phone last night. She told me to tell you how sorry she is for your loss. My Mother is really surprising me these days, it's kinda freaking me out.

I really am so fucking jaded Spence. I keep waiting for my mother to let me down or say something insensitive and thoughtless or even just to ignore me. She has been so concerned and attentive, hell she even passed up a dinner invitation for tonight so she can have dinner with me at this fancy restaurant. Why can't I just enjoy this time with her? Why am I always looking for the bad side? Even with us I was always looking at the dark side, waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

I was thinking about your smile this morning and how badly I want to see it.

I miss that soft little smile that I have only ever seen you direct at me. I like knowing that no one else gets that smile. The first time I saw that smile was at that first dance you convinced me to go to, the one where Glen beat the shit out of Aiden. I pulled up to the dance and saw you standing outside with your back to me. You looked so gorgeous Spencer and I couldn't stop staring. I called out some comment to you, trying to be all cute, and you turned around to face me. That's when I got my first Spencer Carlin smile and head tilt combo.

From that moment I was lost. I was lost in you. You told me you were waiting for your friend and then asked me if I was nervous. Usually I would have thrown up some big cocky front and told you some bullshit to make you believe I wasn't as nervous as I clearly was, but I couldn't lie to you.

As soon as I admitted to being nervous you held out your hand which I willingly took. Our hands fit so well together, like they were made to connect. As soon as my hand touched yours I felt tingles spread through my body. I had never experienced that before.

There were a lot of things, emotions and experiences that I had with you which I had never had before. Maybe that's why I'm so scared to put my whole heart out there and risk losing it. I'm scared of the intensity of what I feel, I'm scared because I think this thing with us might just be the real, forever kind of love. I'm scared because I am a royal screw up and sooner or later you're gonna realize that I am so not good for you.

Well now that I have sufficiently bummed myself out I'd better go. One more day in London then we go to Paris. I think my Mom is more excited about Paris than any other city we're visiting on this trip.

I love you,

Ashley

xoxoxo


	14. Diary Five

**Here's another update, just coz lol**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary 5**

Dear Diary,

Today we had a 'family day'. Mom and Dad took me and Glen to mini golf and then to lunch at this little deli not too far from King High. I knew this deli well, Ashley used to take me there for lunch sometimes instead of letting me be subjected to the swill in the school cafeteria.

It was the strangest day. It was like we were all playing our former parts, trying desperately to act like we used to and slip into what we used to so easily inhabit, when in fact none of us really fit into those roles any more. Mom was trying to be all cheerful and it was so tragic in it fakeness. Glen was cracking jokes and basically doing anything to cheer the rest of us up. It was actually very sweet. Glen just wants so badly for us all to be ok.

I think a lot of people, me included, underestimate Glen and write him off as a bit of an ass. He so isn't. When it counts Glen is always there for you and will do whatever it takes to make you smile again.

Dad was the saddest of us all though. He was quiet but still so kind. He laughed but it was so broken, his smile never quite reaching his eyes. He tried to be brave and strong for us but all I could see was his immense pain. He and Clay had always been so close. They did all that outdoors camping and fishing stuff together. I mean Glen always went, but it was really Dad and Clay's thing.

I wonder if I will ever see my parents smile sincerely again. I wonder if I will ever stop hearing my older brother cry himself to sleep most nights. I wonder if I will ever be able to let go of this anger and pain that I am carrying around.

After lunch we went to the cemetery to see Clay. I am ashamed to admit it is the first time I had been back there since the funeral. I just couldn't bring myself to before. I could tell people had been going regularly though. The grave was neat and covered in fresh flowers, candles, photos and other mementos.

We added a bunch of colourful flowers to the multitude and Mom took a moment to tidy up what really didn't need tidying, I guess it made her feel like she was still mothering him even though he's gone.

Glen and I both cried a lot, Mom and Dad stood teary eyed but kept their tears at bay. I think it was a good thing, I don't think I could have handled seeing them cry. It was hard enough to watch Glen brought to tears.

After the cemetery Glen and I left Mom and Dad at home and went for a drive, just the two of us. We didn't talk much, really we just sat together. We drove to King High by some unspoken agreement. It was the first time we had been there since the night of Prom.

We pulled up in the car park and just sat there, both of us crying silently as we looked over the place where our family changed forever. It was a pretty intense experience.

The sign in front of the school was literally covered in pictures, messages of sadness, loss and condolence, flowers, candles and lots of other bits and pieces to remember the people who had died that night. To be frank I couldn't tell you the names of the other student who died. I guess I have been so focused on my loss that I haven't stopped to think about the other families and friends grieving for their lost loved ones too.

Sitting there with my big brother in front of the spot where five people died, for the first time I felt intense grief for all the people who lost their lives. All but one were students, the other being a teacher. We're talking about 4 kids who had barely begun to live and a 30 something year old woman with a husband and daughter, I saw them once at the grocery store. They seemed like a happy, loving family. It was all ruined now.

It seems like a profound and tragic loss to so much potential. When you lose a loved one, you don't just lose them you also lose the future. You lose the dreams, plans and hopes you had that involved them. You lose _their _dreams, plans and hopes.

Clay will never get to see his child born and he will never go to the ivy league college of his choice, because trust me he would have pretty much had his choice of any and all he applied to. Clay will never get to graduate high school with me, he will never get to see what Glen plans to do now that high school is over for him. Clay won't be at my wedding or be there when Glen and I have kids (off course not together because ew! That is beyond gross!).

I'm sad at what I've lost and broken about the future with Clay I have lost. I wonder if that's how the other families feel.

I hope one day I can find peace, but today is so not that day.

Glen and I left the school after a while of just sitting there not saying a word. We didn't need to speak, all we needed was to silently be there for each other. Just before he started the car to drive us back home, Glen reached over and took my hand. He smiled sadly at me and said softly, "I'm sorry I haven't been the brother to you that Clay was. I'm sorry I haven't always supported you and been there for you. I want you to know that I have your back, no matter what. You're my baby sister and I love ya."

I got really damn teary and leaned over to kiss his stubbly cheek. In the past Glen would have shoved me away and then wiped his cheek, today he just smiled at me. I told him I forgave him and meant it. I told him I loved him and really meant it.

We drove home, both feeling a little stronger in the knowledge that even though we had lost Clay, maybe, just maybe we had found each other.


	15. Letter Six

**Thank you readers and reviewers**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter 6**

Hi Spencer,

So I'm sitting at the airport waiting to board our flight to Paris. My Mom is trying to get me to talk about all the designers she wants to visit in Paris, but I am just zoning her out.

It's like 6pm London time so no idea what time it would be for you back in Cali. I so cannot figure out these damn time differences! You of course could, you always were the smart one. Beauty and brains, Spencer Carlin you are the whole package.

I'm so tired. I only got like 3 hours sleep last night because, yep you guessed it, I was dreaming about you again. This dream was slightly strange. You kept fading in and out of sight. It was like one second you were there and then the next you were gone. I didn't like it one fucking bit.

I got your text message today. I read it again and again and drafted like five responses only to delete them all. I have no idea what to say to you Spence, and in typical Ashley Davies fashion when I don't know what to do or say I bail and ignore reality. The sad fact is I have become totally comfortable with running and hiding from reality. I am content with running, but I can never be happy without you.

You said that you miss me, God I miss you too. I wish more than anything that we were together and that things were good between us again.

You asked my why I hadn't called you back, I have no answer to give you that will provide you with any comfort. No answer that will make you feel any better. I am a fucking coward Spencer. I am too scared to make a choice that really isn't even a choice. I know what I want, but what I want is to have both you and Aiden in my life. I love you, but can't quite let go of him. So instead of telling you that you are the one I love I just keep hurting you with my silence. Fuck I am such a bitch.

Yet again I leave you waiting for me. You always seem to be left waiting for me Spencer. Why the fuck haven't you dumped my sorry ass by now, God knows I've given you reason enough to kick me to the curb since we met!

I know that I always kept you waiting, both literally and emotionally. I am so sorry.

I was listening to this song on my Ipod that made me think of how you must have felt during both our friendship and relationship. Here are some of the lyrics,

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting  
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting  
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting  
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending  
To be so condescending it's as much as I can take  
and you're so independent  
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting  
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting  
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting  
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment  
I'm willing to bleed for you  
I needed fulfillment  
I found what I need in you

You should hate me Spencer. I sometimes wish you'd stop letting me treat you so horribly and just hate me for all I have done. Fuck this is so messed up! All of it, you and me, we are both so fucking messed up!

Damn it, we're boarding so I gotta go. I'll be writing again once we reach Paris.

As always, I love you,

Ashley

xoxo

**The song used in this letter was Right Here Waiting by Staind. This song was recommended to me by mutt009 for another fic of mine. My music guru!**


	16. Diary Six

**As al****ways thank you for reading/reviewing**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary 6**

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling a little bit better after yesterday, the afternoon of just Glen and I really helped. After I wrote my entry for yesterday I called Kyla and we went out to the movies. It was the first time I have been out in public without my family since Prom night, unless you count the one and only time I went to Ashley's to see her only to leave 15 minutes later when the awkwardness got to be too much.

Anyway so we were to the movies and saw some disposable romantic comedy. It was pretty funny, but like all of them a little clichéd and predictable. I still love them though. I find comfort in their predictability and the stereotypical happy ending. Gotta love the hope of a happy ending.

Kyla was awesome, she kept me talking and laughing and made me feel almost human again. She is one great friend. She mentioned that she will be heading to Baltimore in a few days to see her Mom, I'm really gonna miss her. She promised to call and email while she's away though, she even said if I wanted to I could fly out there to visit her for a while.

I think I might, just to get away from all the drama, memories and grief. I have to talk to Mom and Dad about it though, and then there is Glen to think about, I don't really want to leave him...maybe I can get him to come with me? Give Mom and Dad some time together and help both of us get away from it all. I think they'll go for it. Our family is just so broken right now.

So after the movie we were walking along the pier eating ice cream, man do I love ice cream! Kyla was kind of quiet and I asked her what was going on. She told me that she had spoken to Ashley. Hearing that name made me stop, smack dab in the middle of a busy walkway so suddenly that a little kid ran into me which made him Mom all mad.

Kyla grabbed my hand and pulled me to the side. She said that Ashley was still in London, heading to Paris soon and not doing so good. Apparently she misses me. I don't know if I can believe that seeing as she still hasn't called me back or even text me. You'd think that if she missed me as much as Kyla says then she would contact me, even just to make sure I was doing ok in the aftermath of my brother's death.

If she truly loved me she'd want to know I'm ok right?

This morning I broke. Call it a lapse in judgement, call it a moment of weakness or insanity but I sent Ashley a text message. I don't know what possessed me to put myself out there again! Shouldn't I have learnt my lesson by now? I guess I just couldn't help myself.

I have so much I want to say to her and so much I want to hear her say to me. I guess I am not ready to give up on her just yet. Maybe it was hearing Kyla talk about her and hearing that she isn't doing so well, I guess it makes me think that she might be thinking about me as much as I think about her. I don't know, my head is so messed up when it comes to Ashley.

So I sent the text message about two hours ago and so far no response. I basically asked why she hadn't called me back yet and told her I missed her. I had planned to be cold and withdrawn in the message, but my heart had other ideas. The worst part is that even though I know she won't respond I keep staring at my cell in the hope that it's going to show a message from her.

It makes me feel pathetic that she has this kind of power over my heart. She has let me down so badly and I can't get my stupid heart to stop yearning for her. I hate the control she has over me, I hate that I can still love her after everything she has done.

Rihanna had it right when she sang,

And I hate how much I love you  
I can't stand how much I need you  
And I hate how much I love you  
But I just can't let you go  
And I hate that I love you so

Of course I changed the lyrics coz the whole, 'I hate how much I love you boy' did not really work in this situation.

But it's all true, I hate how much I still love Ashley Davies, I hate that she consumes my thoughts and my heart. I hate that I need her and want her. I hate that my heart races when her name is mentioned, I hate how my arms ache to hold her. I hate how much pull she has over me. I just wish it would go away. I want to hate her, so why won't my heart listen?


	17. Letter Seven

**Thank you readers/reviewers**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter 7**

Hey There,

We arrived in Paris last night and headed straight to the hotel. It is now seven days since we arrived in Europe, it feels like a lifetime since I saw you. I wonder what you're doing right now, I wonder if you're thinking of me. Is it completely selfish of me to hope that you're thinking of me as much as I am thinking about you? Yeah it probably is, but no one has ever accused me of being selfless.

It felt like I had only been asleep for a few minutes last night when the dreams of you started. They were vivid and so real that I could smell your scent, taste your lips and feel the smoothness of your skin. These dreams weren't as painful as the ones I have had other nights. These were the kind of dream where I never wanted to wake up and face reality. I wanted to stay asleep so I could stay with you, where I know I belong.

But of course I had to wake up and when I did it was to the harsh light of day. Reality kicked in and all I wanted was to disappear into my dreams. You know the worst part of all this is that I could be with you if I could just make a choice and sort out my stupid fucking head.

I remember the first moment I realized that you might be gay. It was after that first dance we went to, we were at that lookout over looking L.A. with Aiden. You and I were leaning up against my car, and you were standing so close to me that I could feel the heat radiating from your body. You asked Aiden and I if we wanted to be alone to which we both answered instantly and honestly no (I think at that stage Aiden already had a thing for you so I wasn't even on his radar, that boy really is kind of fickle when it comes to his feelings). Aiden then asked if you and I wanted to be left alone, we both answered a little more hesitantly no. I don't know about you but I really wanted to say yes.

Then Aiden asked you if you were gay. You hesitated before answering and I held my breath. Since the moment I had first seen you I had felt attracted to you and I was hoping that you would answer with a yes. Instead you echoed the words I'd said to you earlier in the night, "I'm not into labels." I looked over at you with a smirk on my face and then laughed with relief as much as anything. Your answer gave me hope. I told myself that I would wait for you and be the support that I had never had while trying to work out my own sexuality.

I hope that if nothing else I was able to help you come to terms with your sexuality. I hope that I helped you to be ok with it and that I was able to give you some support. I remember how scary it was when I started to acknowledge that the feelings I was having were more than just curiosity and I hope I was able to ease some of that fear for you.

I hate that gay kids have to struggle with their feelings, even hide them because of how portions of society feel about gay people. I hate that people assume you're straight until they are told differently. I hate that straight kids don't have to 'come out' and declare their sexuality to the world like we do. I hope that one day coming out will be a non-issue, but until then I hope that everyone who is struggling with these feelings has a friend to support them through it. I hope I was that for you.

Well from what I've seen of it, Paris is gorgeous. Everyone I saw today looked like a freaking model. My Mom told me that she wants to bring me back to Paris one year for fashion week, I think that's code for come back and spend outrageous money on designer clothing.

My Mom was a little weird today, it was like she was distracted. Our silences were slightly more awkward than they have been since we arrived in Europe. She even ditched me tonight to go to dinner with some young guy she met at the restaurant we had lunch in. So much for her concern about her daughter. I guess this is where we go back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I would never admit this to anyone else Spence, but God it hurts that she can so easily go back to living her life and ignoring me. It hurts that she can so easily discard me like I was last year's fashion and now she has no use for me. It's like she did her obligatory mother week of concern and is now done.

Is it too much to ask that my Mom actually care about me and treat me like her daughter? I just want her to be there for me, to love me. Since I told her I was gay she has pulled further and further away from me and it hurts everyday. Why can't she just love me Spence? She's my mother, she's supposed to love me!

Ok great now I can't stop crying. I really wish you were here, I know I don't deserve it but all I want right now is for you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright, even if it's a lie.

I'm gonna go, apparently the bar in the hotel doesn't check id (or so the bellboy told me) and I really need a drink…or ten.

I love you Spencer and I miss you,

Ashley

xoxox


	18. Diary Seven

**Thank you readers and reviewers**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary Seven**

So twenty-four hours later and Ashley still hasn't replied to my text message, which while it isn't surprising in any way is still fucking hurtful. I haven't been able to let my phone out of my sight at all, I even took it into the bathroom with me when I had my shower. I am that pathetic.

It's been seven days since Ashley got on a plane for Europe, seven days where I have tried to force her out of my head. Between dealing with her and dealing with losing Clay I honestly think I am going to lose my fucking mind. How much can my brain and my heart take before they combusts or my brain starts melting out my ears?

It's all a bit too much.

I saw Aiden today. He must have just been released from the hospital because he was still wearing that plastic hospital bracelet they put on you. I was at the grocery store with Mom and I saw him sitting in the passenger seat of his mother's car. I assume she had run into the store to get stuff to make him comfortable at home. He didn't deserve any of it. That may sound bitter of me, but right now I couldn't care less.

He caught sight of me and smiled and waved like we were still good friends. I just glared at him incredulously. Did he seriously think he could just smile and wave at me after what he has done and I would just smile cheerfully back? That boy must have fucking brain damage if he thinks that.

I turned my back on the guy I used to consider a good friend and walked into the grocery store with my Mom. How could Aiden think that I would just smile and wave at him after what he put me through? He is one self-absorbed sack of shit.

I mean he says he loves Ashley, but I honestly think it's more that he doesn't want to lose her. I hate Aiden Dennison for tearing us apart. I hate that he thinks his happiness is worth more than mine, or Kyla's or even Ashley's, because I can tell you that she is so not happy right now. I don't have to be with her to know that. She may have hurt me, but I'd wager that she is hurting too.

He fucked up, she hasn't chosen him. I mean she hasn't chosen me either, but she definitely hasn't chosen him. Suck it Aiden!

I'm still pretty cut up about the fact that there is even a choice for her to make, it should just be me. If she felt even one shred of what I feel for her then I wouldn't be here alone.

I can't help but think that maybe she didn't love me as much as I love her.

After seeing Aiden my mood was shitty for the rest of the day. I went around to see Kyla, it was the first time I had been at the Davies' mansion since the time I visited Ashley not long after Clay died.

It felt so strange to walk into that place. I kept waiting to see Ashley strutting down the stairs or walking smiling out of the kitchen with an arm load of junk food for one of our movie nights. I had a lot of memories in that place, considering I had really only known Ash for like a year.

I spent the afternoon moodily helping Kyla figure out what she was taking back to Baltimore, I kept telling her to leave more stuff in L.A. I figured the more she left behind the more likely it was that she would be coming back. I didn't want to lose one of the few friends I still had. I had lost enough people and I didn't want to lose any more.

Finally after I snapped at her Kyla asked me what has crawled up my butt and died. After a moment of stubborn silence I admitted that I had seen Aiden earlier. She immediately wrapped me up in a big hug and held me close. I didn't cry, Aiden Dennison was not worth my tears. I would not cry over him, his actions had caused me enough grief already.

I never saw myself as capable of hating anyone, but I really hate Aiden. I hate him for what he did to me, Ashley and Kyla. As soon as I said his name Kyla got this look of sadness in her big brown eyes. She hid it quickly in order to be there for me, she is pretty damn remarkable.

I keep telling her she should definitely work in a job that lets her help people, like a social worker or something. She just has this incredible knack of being able to say the right things to make you feel safe and cared for. She gives you faith that eventually everything just might be alright.

I am going to miss her when she goes back to Baltimore.


	19. Letter Eight

**Thank you to all who read/review. There are some strong thoughts out there about this fic, I love to hear them!**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter 8**

Spencer,

Ok so I told you I've been dreaming about you every night and last night was no exception. The dreams I had last night though were of a more…um sexual nature then the ones before. My poor pillow may have gotten a tad violated by me in my sleep. These dreams were so fucking vivid that they had surround sound. I could feel, taste and smell you.

I don't think I have ever been so turned on by a dream before in my life and my subconscious has always had a really dirty mind. I woke up and aside from needing a cold shower and a little 'Ashley time', all I wanted was to hold you in my arms. It's a shame I'm half a world away.

So today I toured Paris alone with a wicked hangover thanks to the lax id checking at the hotel bar. My mother seems to have gotten over the temporary insanity which made her act like a real Mom and today she is back to being the same bitchy, cold-hearted shrew she has been for the majority of my life. The worst part is that even though I knew it was coming it still hurts so damn much to be let down again.

I remember telling Clay once that the worst part about my parents wasn't that they didn't care about me, it was that I cared that they didn't. Clay was a good friend to me and it meant a lot that he accepted me as your girlfriend without questions, unlike Glen who was a jackass for a long time. If I'm honest I have only been thinking about how losing Clay would be impacting you so I didn't stop to think about how much I was going to miss him too.

He was a good guy. Clay was everything you would want in a brother and a friend. I feel lucky to have known him and sad that his time with us was cut so short. He still had so much to give the world and it is a tragedy that he won't get to share it.

When I stop thinking selfishly about all this shit between you, me and Aiden I think about how much you must be hurting after losing such a wonderful brother. I hope that Glen steps up. Especially seeing as I am so fucking useless to you.

I wonder what you're doing right now. I wonder if you're smiling. I hope that wherever you are and whatever you're doing you are at least smiling. The last time I saw you really smile was at prom before our entire world fell apart. I miss your smile.

Aiden called me again today. I didn't answer and so far haven't called him back. To be honest I am really pissed off with him today. I hate him for not being able to see that he and I are, and should be, only friends. Today I hate him for putting me in a position where I have to choose between him and you. Today I hate him for helping me to hurt you when you are already going through a shit time.

When I saw his name flash across the screen of my phone I had to fight the impulse to pick it up and scream at the guy. I have a feeling that a lot of the anger I'm feeling is really about my mother and not Aiden so I let the call go to voicemail.

Despite everything Spence, Aiden is my friend and I care about the guy. I can't help that, but it doesn't in anyway take away from what I feel for you. I can love him as a friend and be wholly in love with you at the same time. I wish Aiden had kept his fucking feelings to himself then there would be no need for me to choose. He ruined everything and a part of me is furious at him for that.

Anyway enough about Aiden, I don't even want to think about him right now. I wonder where you are. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. While I was touring Paris today I kept imagining that you were with me and that we were seeing all these beautiful things together. In my mind I could hear your voice and laughter as we took in the sights. I wish you were here with me. One day I must bring you with me to Paris, I know you'd love it.

I ran into this guy today, he seemed really nice, so obviously gay, and he showed me around. Tonight he wants to show me the Paris nightlife so I'd better head off and get ready.

I wish you sweet dreams.

I love you,

Ashley

xoxo


	20. Diary Eight

**Thank you to all who read and review **

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary 8**

Dear Diary,

I saw Kyla today. She looked sad. I guess it gets to her, having the guy you're dating confess his love for your sister has got to take its toll on you. It's a wonder she doesn't totally hate them both, well at least Aiden, but she doesn't seem to. Kyla is a better person than me.

I go through stages of being so mad at Ashley I feel like I hate her and I pretty much always hate Aiden. Glen has even offered to kick his ass on the odd occasion, maybe one day I'll take him up on the offer or hell just do it myself. Aiden may be big but I think I could take him.

I guess I just can't understand how Kyla can be so forgiving of what he did to her. I mean the guy immediately sniffed around her like a dog in heat when she first came to our school, not giving a damn that it hurt Ashley (which was _my_ first warning signal). Then Kyla goes out with him against her better judgment and he dumped her (after calling her a bitch and a whore mind you) for having the decency to actually want to give her ex-boyfriend the enough respect to break up with him face to face. He dragged out the friend thing between them and then got back together with her knowing he was crushing on her sister.

Oh and then the cherry on top of one fucked up cake? He invites her to prom and then declares his love for her sister with no thought of Kyla's feelings or mine. Aiden Dennison is a fucking selfish prick who cares about no one but himself. I feel really bad for what Kyla has been put through since she moved to L.A. It has not been an easy road for her.

Kyla told me she is heading back to Baltimore for the rest of the summer in two days, which I already knew. She seems to really miss her Mom. I'm surprised she had hung around this long. I'm glad she did though, I really like the younger Davies sister. She is kind and sweet and has been a total rock for me. I'll miss her once she's gone. I wonder if she'll be back after summer. I hope so.

We have hung out a lot since Ashley left. She seems to have picked up some of the slack from her selfish older sister. Kyla is a cool chick and I see her as a really close friend.

She has really helped me to smile a few times and even made me laugh once or twice. She has been there for me in a way that not many people could. I think it's because she isn't grieving the way me or my family are so she can support me without me having to help her with her grief as well. I just don't have enough left in me to give support to others. I am struggling just to cope with my own grief.

Kyla gives me the room to grieve, while still letting me laugh and live. She is like a breath of fresh air really. My family is happier when she's around, she even makes my parent's smile and laugh almost like they used to. I think all the Carlins are going to miss my little pixie friend when she returns to Baltimore.

After I'd seen Kyla I went to see Clay. I took some daisies to put on his grave and spent some time just sitting with him and talking. I told him everything, what's going on with Ashley, how great Kyla has been, how big of a douche Aiden is and how much we all miss him.

I told him I loved him and that I was going to try and live everyday to the fullest and not waste a minute. If losing Clay has taught me anything it's that life can be brutally short. Each day we get is a gift and we should live them to the fullest.

I can picture Clay smiling at me in approval. He would want me to go on, to not wallow in misery. It's hard though. So much of the time I just want to give up and let the darkness take me. It seems like it would be so easy, but the fighter in me rebels against that. I owe myself and my family more than that. I owe my brother more than that. Clay's life was cut short, but I am still here and I get to go on.

Before I left the cemetery I planted a kiss on the cool marble head stone and told him I loved him and missed him. I promised him I would keep going and never give up. I promised to take him with me in my heart wherever I go.

I wandered out of the cemetery and ran into Sean as he was about to enter. I hadn't seen him since the funeral. He looked so tired, I knew he missed Clay too.

Sean pulled me into a big hug and then we sat on a nearby picnic table to chat. He told me about this internship he got with Spike Lee, it sounds amazing! I am really happy for him, but sad he won't be around anymore. He was always good to me and he was a great friend to Clay.

Sean has this tough guy act going on, but underneath he is really one of the sweetest, kindest guys ever.

We sat and talked for a long time and as it started to get dark I figured it was time to head home. Sean asked me to wait for a second and jogged over to Clay's grave. He knelt down and spoke softly to my brother for a few minutes and then jogged back over to me.

He flashed me a grin and told me he was giving me a ride home, no asking, just ordering. I nodded and smiled gratefully as he led me over to his car. We didn't talk on the ride back to my house, but it was by no means an uncomfortable silence. It felt kinda nice.

Once we got to my house Sean pulled over and stared out the windscreen for a moment before he said so softly I hardly heard it, "I'm so sorry for what happened to Clay. I feel like there was something I could have done to prevent any of this from happening. I'm so sorry Spencer."

I reached over and took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze and told him that none of it was his fault, that I did not blame him. Sean turned to me and gave me a smile that tried to hide the tears in his eyes.

He then told me that no matter what he would always be there for me, he promised that he was going to look after me for Clay. I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him before heading inside, I insisted he come too but he had to so meet his grandma at church.

Sean is a good guy, I feel lucky to have him in my corner.


	21. Letter Nine

**Thanks to everyone who reads and/or reviews**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter Nine**

Hey Spence,

So I went out with that guy I mentioned in my last letter. It was a crazy night! He seemed to know all the places that would not check id so we ended up getting totally shit faced. I have to say a night out in Paris is somewhat crazier than a night out in L.A. People have absolutely no fucking inhibitions here!

First we hit this lounge bar with a name I can neither pronounce or spell for some pre-drinks…well pre-drinks became shots which led to everyone around me dropping random pills. I said no, I haven't done drugs since you and I got together and I kinda don't want to start now. The last time I took something was that night with Paige, the one where you came to take care of me. I haven't touched drugs since, as cheesy as it sounds you were all the high I needed.

After the lounge bar we kicked on to this huge underground club. The guy I was with, Jean-Marc, introduced me to his boyfriend who was DJing and then we drank some more and danced like crazy people. Jean-Marc was fun, he helped make me forget for a little while.

After the club we headed to this small, intimate bar and there I lost Jean-Marc to his boyfriend, Rene's, lips. They are super cute together, you can tell they are so in love. It made my chest ache to tell you the truth. It made me want what they have, it made me want you.

After that I became the sullen, introspective drunk who starts contemplating the meaning, or lack there of, of their life. I sat, nursing my drink, and just thought about everything. It took Jean-Marc a good half hour or so to notice and then in his really shitty English he demanded that I let him and Rene take me back to the hotel.

I was in no position or state of mind to argue. I let them practically drag me to the hotel and slump in Jean-Marc's arms as Rene opened the door to my hotel room. They each gave me their numbers and kissed me goodbye before heading off so I could get some sleep.

Thing is I could not for the life of me actually fall asleep. I lay there for hours just thinking and wishing I was different, stronger, braver.

I fuck things up far more often then I get them right. I honestly think the only thing I have ever done right in my life was letting you in. it's a shame I went and fucked that up too. Yep here's me feeling sorry for myself again.

Once the sun rose I was able to fall asleep and of course I dreamed about you again. This one was sweet. We were in Chelsea's studio and we were dancing. You were holding me so close as we swayed to a gentle melody. It was beautiful.

I could feel your arms around me, your body pressed into mine, your hands in my hair. I was so fucking real Spence, I just wanted to stay in that moment forever.

I woke up with a feel of peace and contentment that quickly disappeared as reality set in. Damn reality.

I stumbled out of bed in search of pain killers and water and in my search found a note from my mother telling me not to expect to see her at all that day. Apparently she met some guy and he was going to take her out and show her the sights of Paris.

I crumbled the note in my hand and chucked it against the wall as hard as I could. That woman sucks as a human being, like mother like daughter huh?

I can remember a time when she wasn't like this. Before I came out to her things were different. I mean she was always a little distant, but it was so much worse once I came out to her. It was like with that one confession from me I was no longer her daughter. I was just this disgusting thing living in her house that she was stuck with until I turned 18 and she could kick me out without looking like a bitch to all her fake friends.

Maybe that's part of the reason I was so funny about you coming out to your parents, especially your Mom who we had a pretty good idea was not going to take it well. I mean I wanted the entire world to know you were mine, but I never wanted you to know the pain I feel every time my mother looks at me with disgust or when she acts like I don't even exist.

I didn't want you to have to go through what I went through. Sometimes it hurts so much, sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and sob into my pillow. I just wish that she could love me and be a real mother. At least when my Dad was alive I knew that he was out there somewhere loving me. He may not have been around much, but I knew that he loved me as much as he could. Now I know that the only person I really have, the only person who really loves me, is you.

Not Aiden, you.

After reading that note from my Mom I climbed back into bed and cried. I cried for hours, literally hours. I wish my Mom would just love me…I don't think that is asking too much, but according to Christine Davies it is.

I'm sorry Spence, sorry for everything I have done and sorry that this letter is so mopey. Fuck I am just so sorry.

I love you,

Ashley

xoxo


	22. Diary Nine

**Thanks as always to those who read/review**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary Nine**

So I spent today with Kyla. We went shopping, she is sure she will be missing the L.A. shopping scene when she gets back to Baltimore. I guess she has a point, the shopping here is worlds away from what it was like in Ohio.

I loved Ohio, but hey there is something about L.A. that is just undeniable. This place has a life all of its own and I feel like I didn't really come alive until I moved here and met Ashley. I always felt like there was something different about me, that I wasn't like all my friends. It wasn't until that first day I spent with Ashley that I realised what it was that was different.

I mean it's not like I saw her and then instantly realised that I was a raging lesbian, it wasn't like that at all. I guess I just realised that I had a choice in how I lived my life. I mean I don't think that my sexuality is a choice, I didn't chose to be gay, but I realised that I had a choice in whether I was myself or not.

Ashley was just so free and so open about who she was. She made no apologies and did not shy away from being exactly who she was. There was something so fucking attractive about that. She had this infectious attitude that just drew me in and I was kind of powerless to stop it really. It was like gravity, I was drawn to her.

I guess the funny part in all this is that I actually thought I had choice in the matter, I thought I chose to fall for Ashley. I never had a choice. It was inevitable from the second we met. I was going to fall for her, it was pretty much fate.

The moment her fucking incredible chocolate brown eyes met mine, all filled with annoyance over me knocking over her precious coffee, I was lost. I haven't been able to find my way since. It was instant and undeniable. I was so angry at her rudeness but I couldn't get that toxic brunette off my mind all day. I constantly looked out for her around the school unconsciously and in the few classes we shared I paid attention to nothing but her.

There is just this magnetism about Ashley that draws you in. I didn't know it then, but she was going to be a cataclysmic change in my world. Despite everything that we have gone through I am still grateful I met her. Ashley opened me up to a world I have lovingly (and sometimes reluctantly) embraced. She showed me life and gave me the courage to be myself.

She helped support me through the trials of coming to terms with my sexuality and for that I will be eternally grateful, even though she had kind of abandoned me now. She made it ok to be myself, she normalised my sexuality for me. She showed me that who I love doesn't change who I am and for that I will always be grateful to her.

I know her and I know most of her leaving was down to fear. It doesn't stop me being angry at her, but knowing it is fear guiding her is easier than assuming she doesn't love me. I know that she does…I guess I know in my heart that she is in love with me and really only loves Aiden as a friend.

Her fear has her confused and he preyed on that. I guess it just hurts that she even had to think about whether to choose between Aiden and I, it should have automatically been me. There should have been no choice to make. Ashley will realise that, she will realise that it's me if she hasn't already. I don't say that to be arrogant or cocky, I say that because I know Ashley Davies better than she even knows herself.

She is running scared and despite how hurt and angry I still am, I know that she is probably already seeing the error of her ways and is just too ashamed to say anything. She will though. Well at least I hope so.

Anyway, so shopping with Kyla took hours and then she dragged me to this awesome little sushi place she told me Ashley took her too once. She was so careful when she said Ashley's name, like she was trying to gauge how I was going to react. I just smiled sadly and continued eating.

Kyla then started telling me all the places she wants to take me to if I go to Baltimore, she practically has an entire trip planned out if I do go. I guess I'd better talk to Mom and Dad and see if they would be ok with me going, I think they would.

According to Kyla, her friends are going to love me and it will be the perfect way to forget about the Ashley drama for a while. What she doesn't realise is that no matter where I am and what I'm doing I will always be thinking of Ashley Davies, simple fact of life.

It was hard not to catch Kyla's excitement though and by the end of shopping expedition I was just about as excited about going to visit her in Baltimore as she was. I was even contributing to the planning and suggestions about what we might do. Kyla said her Mom is almost as good a cook as my Dad so that I have to try!

After shopping and sushi we came back to my place and had dinner with the family. Having Kyla there brought life to the whole family, her bubbly, vivacious personality made everyone smile and laugh and come alive. I think everyone was going to miss her when she goes to Baltimore.

After dinner we played a rather competitive game of Monopoly that only ended when Mom declared it a draw to stop Glen and I killing each other. I haven't seen my family that relaxed and happy since before Clay died, we all owe Kyla a big thank you for that. She really has been a God send.

After Kyla went home and I was going to bed Mom came in and sat down beside me. She smiled softly and ran her fingers through my hair as she asked me if I'd heard from Ashley. Seeing my sadness at her question Mom pulled me into her arms and rocked me gently as I cried against her.

It was the first time my mother had _ever_ comforted me about anything to do with Ashley. It was a big moment.

She held me until I'd cried myself out and then in her no-nonsense voice said, "What has happened lately has tested my faith in a lot of things, but one thing I have absolute and total faith in is that Ashley Davies loves you with all of her heart. She is a scared, overwhelmed kid who has never really had love in her life. Ashley has been hurt by everyone in her life that was supposed to love and protect her. From her family to her friends, everyone has let that girl down, except you."

At this point my eyes were bugging out of my head as I listened to my Mom actually defend the girl she thought was the devil in a mini skirt.

Mom patted my hand and smiled sadly, "After losing Clay I guess I have learnt that life is cruelly short and you shouldn't give up on love. Ashley loves you, a blind man could see that. I know she has hurt you and that it would be so easy to give up on her, but I am giving you the benefit of my vast life experience," Mom flashed me a smile at that comment while I smirked back, "and telling you that love like what you and Ashley feel for each other is rare and something worth fighting for. Don't give up on her ok Spence?"

I nodded, dumbfounded and Mom got to her feet. She kissed my forehead, bid me good night and left me to ponder her words. I hate it when my Mom's right.


	23. Letter Ten

**Thanks everyone!**

**Nighthawk88, imaferrari, WillowOn3 & hphglover – Glad you liked Paula in this and her little spiel about Ashley, someone had to be the voice of reason! Thank you for your continued support of this story**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter Ten**

Hey Spence,

I just spoke to Kyla who was at the airport waiting to get on the plane to fly back to Baltimore for the summer. She sounds both happy and sad to be going back home. I think she is excited to see her Mom and her friends, but I know she is sad to leave you Spencer.

A feeling I know all too well.

Part of me is so grateful to Kyla for stepping up and being there for you when I have been so absent while another part of me is so jealous I could scream. If I wasn't 100% sure Kyla is straight I might be starting to think she was into you…not that I'd blame her if she was. I kind of judge the entire world for not being hopelessly in love with you actually.

I know though that she just cares a lot about you and wants you to be ok. I like that the two of you have each other and are so close. Even though I get a little insane with jealousy sometimes…I am nothing if not a jealous person.

Funny thing is I was never really jealous until I met and fell in love with you. When I was with Aiden he used to often try to make me jealous by flirting with other girls and it never worked. I don't think I ever cared enough about him to really get jealous. I mean I knew Madison liked him and she would flirt with him _constantly_ but I just couldn't bring myself to care.

I know I loved Aiden, but I was never _in_ love with him. As soon as I fell for you I knew the difference. What I felt for Aiden can't even begin to compare with what I feel for you. I am jealous of _everyone_ that ever gets to breathe the same air as you. I am jealous of everyone who has ever gotten to hold you and kiss you or even just have you smile at them.

When you went on that 'date' with Kelly I struggled so much not to let you see just how fucking insane with jealousy I was. As I watched you get ready, yes checking you out as well while hiding behind reading a magazine, I was jealous at how excited and nervous you seemed to be. You kept denying that it was a date but I think subconsciously you were well aware of what Kelly's intentions were.

Hell even if you weren't you were still far to excited to go out with her in my book! I felt that you should only ever be so excited to see someone if it's me. Yeah I am a cocky bitch, but that's how I feel.

The whole time you were out with Kelly and I was being traumatised by your Mom (the first and last time I have _ever_ said grace) I was thinking of you. I had all these scenarios playing over and over in my head of what could possibly be going on between you and Kelly.

I even considered going to Grey in disguise so I could tail you guys and make sure she didn't pull any moves on you.

I was making myself crazy thinking about the two of you together. I kept telling myself that if Kelly laid one fucking hand on you I was going to slash her tires and key her car. Drastic yes, but no one messes with my Spencer!

When I heard her car pull up in front of your house I waited in the doorway to see you, I had to know what went down and wanted to know if you were ok. I had this feeling that you were on the fence when it came to your sexuality. You seemed confused and I didn't want Kelly pushing you into something before you were ready for it.

I knew how scary it was to be struggling with your sexuality and I wanted you to find your own way in your own time without being forced into it. Although if I'm being honest I really wanted you to realise that you were very much so a lesbian and that you were desperately into me.

I mean to me it felt like from day one there was something between us. From the second I saw you that first day I haven't been able to get you off my mind. At first I just wanted to get in your pants, but then I talked to you and found that you were this sassy, intelligent girl who in addition to being the most fucking beautiful girl I had ever seen was also the kindest, most sweet person I had ever met.

You gave me a chance, I was so rude to you the first time we ever actually spoke, but you gave me a chance anyway. Everyone told you to stay away from me. The told you I was trouble and not worth your time, but you stood by me anyway.

I have always wondered why you ignored what everyone (including your family, well your Mom and Glen anyway) was saying about me. I wonder why you gave up your chance to be popular and a part of the cheer breeder and straps 'in crowd'. Your life would have been so much easier if you had ignored me and became friends with (insert shudder here) Madison. Hell for all I know after everything I've put you through you just might be regretting you decision to give me a chance in the first place. You and Madison could be total BFFs by now! God I hope not!

I always wanted to ask you why you chose me when it cost you so much. Being with me drove a wedge between you and your Mom and Glen and pretty much condemned you to being a social leper. I have always wondered why you let me into your life and your heart when it cost you so much. I really wonder if you will ever give me the answer.

One thing I am certain of is that I am so grateful you took a chance on me Spence.

Because we belong together now  
Forever united here somehow  
Yeah you got a piece of me  
And honestly  
My life would suck without you

Oh my God, yeah I did just quote Kelly Clarkson! What have you done to me Spencer?

But it's true, my life would suck without you…my life _does_ suck without you.

I love you Spencer Carlin,

Always and forever,

Ash

xoxox


	24. Diary Ten

**Thanks to those who reviewed.**

**Usual disclaimer – SoN is not, nor will it ever be, mine**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary 10**

Today I don't feel so good. I'm tired, so tired. I have been crying so much today and did not sleep well last night. I can barely eat. I'm such a mess right now. My Dad wants me and Glen to see a grief counselor. I told him there was no way in hell I was going. I didn't want to talk to a stranger about my grief. It is my grief and as long as I can feel it then I am not going numb.

Now that Kyla's gone back to Baltimore this morning I find that I don't really have many friends. Ashley, Aiden and Kyla were my friends and now I have none. I pushed everyone else away because of how they saw Ashley and me once I came out and now I am alone.

I guess I have Chelsea but right now she is kind of hiding away from everyone, plus being around her is a huge reminder of Clay and my heart is not really ready for that. We do talk on the phone every few days or so though. She is an awesome girl and despite everything I never want to lose her from my life, plus she is the mother of my unborn niece or nephew so she is my family.

I also have Sean I guess, he isn't leaving for his internship for another six weeks or so. I might call him and see how he's doing. I also wonder if Boz is alright. I haven't seen him since the funeral and I know he felt responsible for the shooting even though it wasn't his fault.

I drove Kyla to the airport this morning and we decided that in a week or so I would come to Baltimore and spend some time with her. I knew Kyla would wear me down! I got the ok really easily from Mom and Dad once I got home from LAX, both of them think it will do me some good. I think they are right.

I invited Glen along but he is going back to Ohio for a few weeks instead. He wants to see the family and catch up with his old friends. I hope it helps him.

Almost every night I listen to Glen cry himself to sleep and it is heartbreaking. He acts like he is so strong, making jokes and being his usually dopey self, but he is suffering just as much as me. I really hope he's ok, I hate to see him suffer so much.

I took Glen out today. We went to the Santa Monica Pier and just spent the day goofing around, making each other laugh. It was really great. We stayed there until the sun was setting and then we walked down onto the beach and strode along the shore.

After we had walked a few minutes in silence Glen turned to me and put his hand on my arm, "So how are things with Ash? You heard from her?"

I sighed and shook my head. I saw he was going to say something, probably going to call her a bitch or something so I cut him off and said, "She's scared Glen, Ashley Davies is one of the most terrified people I have ever met. I was talking to Mom last night and she said what I had been trying to get clear in my head."

I paused and plonked myself down in the sand, with Glen dropping down beside me and looking out over the ocean as he let me talk. I sighed and continued, "Mom said that she has total faith in the fact that Ashley loves me, and so do I. Mom said that Ash is just a scared kid who has never really had love in her life. I mean Mom's right! Ashley has been hurt and abandoned by _everyone_ who was meant to love her. It like Mom said, everyone has let her down…except me."

Glen turned to me then and said with a bit of anger in his voice, "Well then if you are the only person to never let her down then how is it ok that she upped and left when you needed her?"

I sighed again and said in a sad voice, "It's not ok Glen, it's understandable, but it is definitely not ok. I guess what I am coming to see is that what Ashley and I feel for each other is rare and it just might be something worth fighting for. I just don't know if I am ready to give up on her Glen."

Glen didn't say anything more, he just moved closer and slung his arm around my shoulders as tears fell slowly from my eyes. We sat on the sand in silence for a while, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Mine were a tangled mix of Ashley and Clay. I wished he was there to give me advice, he had always been such a supporter of my relationship with Ashley and I knew he would understand where I was coming from.

After a while Glen and I got to our feet and dusted the sand from our clothes. Glen used his thumbs to wipe the tears from my cheeks and pulled me into a fierce hug saying softly, "I may not have always been the biggest fan of Ashley, but if you love her and aren't ready to give up on her then you shouldn't. I was thinking, while we were sitting there, that I have never felt about someone the way you feel about Ashley. I envy you that…of course if you ever tell _anyone_ I said that I will kick your ass."

I giggled a little and then smiled up at my big brother, "your secret is safe with me."

He nodded and slung an arm around my shoulders to lead me back to the car, letting out a little laugh that made me look at him questioningly. "I was just thinking how strange it is that Mom of all people is telling you not to give up on Ashley…I mean it wasn't all that long ago she was dragging the girl half naked from the house and trying to brainwash you into being straight. Fuck how things change!"

I laughed and nodded my agreement as we reached the car. I slid into the passenger seat with my mind running over what he had said. Between my Mom and Glen, my family was giving me a lot to think about when it came to my love life…


	25. Letter Eleven

**I apologise for the delay. Thanks for reviewing!**

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Letter ****Eleven**

Hey Spence,

So I had the most intense dream about you last night, I am still dreaming about you every single night but last night's was the most intense to date. It was so fucking real. It was literally like I was living the moment, like the dream was reality and this fucked up version of reality that I've woken up to is actually the dream.

In the dream we were in my bedroom lying on my bed. I had my head on the pillows and you were resting your head on my stomach facing me. I was running my fingers through your baby soft hair that smelled like a mix of raspberries and honey, just the way I remember it. You had your eyes closed and were practically purring as my fingers lulled you almost to sleep.

I had a smile on my face as I whispered, "Couldn't you just stay like this forever Spence."

As I said that you tensed up and moved off me. You sat up and turned your face away from mine so I could no longer see your expression. I heard a little sniffle and put my hand on your shoulder to turn you to face me. As soon as I saw your face I gasped. Your beautiful face was streaked with tears and twisted in agony.

You clutched your hand over your heart and murmured, "Why would I stay like this forever when it hurts so much? Why would I stay here with you when you don't love me?"

I felt my heart shatter in my chest. I tried to open my mouth, to say something, anything, but my lips wouldn't work and the only sound I could make was a choked sob. You rose from the bed, whispered, "Why couldn't you just tell me that you loved _me_?" and then walked out.

I woke up sobbing and reaching out towards the door to my hotel room. You, of course, weren't there.

Kyla text me last night to tell me that you are going to visit her in Baltimore in a week or so. I hope you have a great time Spence, maybe getting away from L.A. and all the memories there will help you. I know after Dad died everywhere I went reminded me of him and that was pretty unbearable a first...it gradually got better.

I hope you are doing ok after losing Clay. I'm sorry I haven't been any kind of support to you while you have been going through the worst time. I don't do death well, you know that. I think of how I completely shut down after my father died and how I pushed everyone, especially you, away. You wouldn't let me though. You pushed through and forced me to let you be there for me. You knew I needed you even when I was doing my damnedest to go it alone.

I know I thanked you then, but I just wanted to say again how much it meant to me that you wouldn't let me just disappear after my Dad died. You found a way to be there for me, which was something no one else was able to do. So thank you Spence, really thank you.

Mom was gone when I woke up again this morning, I have barely seen her at all these past couple of days. I guess she figures she ahs done her 'parenting' for the year and now she can just do whatever the fuck she wants. I hope the 25 year old guys she's hanging herself off steal her credit card or give her crabs or something.

Instead of spending more time alone I head out and met up with Jean-Marc and Rene who I had drinks with the other night. Those guys are a riot and spent the entire day teaching insults to say to my mother in French, Italian and German…those will definitely come in handy!

I can't let the dragon lady actually know that I am calling her a fucking crazy bitch…she might try to discipline me or something to prove that she isn't the world's worst mother.

Anyway enough about that bitch. Jean-Marc and Rene took me to the rad little underground café that was full of the most interesting people I have ever met. There were a lot of musicians and artists and I guess your typical outcast. It had the most chilled vibe of any place I have been in for ages.

Jean-Marc kept telling me I was too skinny and force fed me crepes and stuff…they were so fucking delicious Spence, one day you and I are coming back to this place so I can share it with you. I really want to share all of this with you.

In two days we are going to Amsterdam and once upon a time Amsterdam was the place I most wanted to see in the entire world (hello, legal pot!) but the lure of it is lost on me. I told you I haven't touched drugs since you and I got together and I am not planning to start now. Also I keep having scary visuals of my mother on pot…that is going to be some scary shit and if I'm stoned too then things could get ugly fast.

I wonder if Mom's toy boy is coming with us or if she'll pick up a new one in Amsterdam…either way I'm sure there will be some young hottie on the side while she stalks rich older men. My mother the gold digger.

Ok so I'd better wrap this up and get some sleep, tomorrow is my last day in Paris so I might go and do some more sight seeing or something.

Good night beautiful,

I love you,

Ashley

xoxo


	26. Diary Eleven

So I suck, sorry for the massive delay. I promise I am attempting to get my fics finished! Please forgive me of faithful readers

**How I Spent My Summer**

**Diary Eleven**

I can't stay here and I can't walk out. I'm stuck. It's like a crazy limbo that I can't get myself out of. I think I need to get away, get some space and some perspective. Being here just reminds me of everything and makes it hard to make sense of everything. It makes me so glad that I will soon be on a plane to Baltimore.

I loved Ashley. I knew her reputation, I knew her past. I had been subjected to her go away, come here trip and yet I let myself fall in love with her. I ignored what everyone was telling me, all the warning signs and gave her all of me. Was that a huge mistake? I don't even know how to begin trying to get over Ashley Davies, or if I even want to.

I keep waiting to find a moment where I miss her less, where I love her less. It hasn't happened yet and I am starting to wonder if it ever will. Maybe I don't want it to. Maybe that's what I am struggling with, maybe I am not meant to get over her, maybe I am not meant to love her less.

Maybe what the fates (and my mother) are telling me is that I am meant to find a way back to her, that we are not over. Maybe our story isn't at its end yet, maybe I am not ready to forget her and move on.

I mean how in the hell does a person ever begin to get over Ashley Christine Davies? I mean really, how?

Look at Aiden, he has cracked onto me, dated Madison and Kyla and is apparently still not over my girl. Fucking Aiden.

I ran into Madison today at the mall, it was a little awkward. I mean it's not like we have ever had all that much to say to each other besides her calling me names and making fun of me because of my sexuality. Madison was quiet, more reserved than I had ever seen her. She even gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was.

While we were talking I saw Aiden with his Dad. They were heading towards the pharmacy. Aiden stopped when he saw me, said something to his Dad and started to walk towards me. I tensed up immediately and took a shaky step back. Madison saw this and glared over at the boy walking towards us.

She stepped in front of me and held up her hand to stop the dopey looking douche bag nearing us. Aiden hesitated and came to a stop in front of us. Madison scowled at him and spat, "Don't you think you've hurt Spencer enough Aiden? Seriously just leave her the fuck alone!"

I stared at her in wide eyed shock, Madison Duarte was defending _me_! Was the world ending and no one had thought to tell me?

Aiden opened his mouth a few times before he stammered, "I just wanted to see how she was doing Madison and this has nothing to do with you."

I shook my head and turned my eyes from his pathetic face. Madison scoffed and folded her arms over her chest, "No Aiden you just want to make yourself feel better for what you did and that is fucking pathetic, and I care about Spencer so that is what this has to do with me! Just fuck off Dennison!"

Aiden stared at her for a moment, seeing that she was deadly serious he turned and ambled off in the direction his Dad went. I watched him go and then turned to face Madison who was looking at me in genuine concern, "You ok Chica?" she asked softly.

I nodded and then thanked her for standing up for me. She shrugged off my thanks and told me she was sorry for all the shit she gave me. I smiled and gave her a hug, telling her all was forgiven. I mean why hold a grudge? We are all just stupid kids and we make mistakes...of course that doesn't apply to Aiden, but maybe it applies to Ashley?

He knew full well what he was doing at Prom. He put his happiness ahead of mine with no regard for anyone but himself. Aiden deserves everything that he has coming to him.

Enough about that prick. After I accepted Madison's apology we went to get a juice and ran into Chelsea. She looked tired and sad. Clay's death has not only hit her hard but essentially left her as a single mother at 17 years old.

Chelsea gave both of us huge hugs and the three of us sat down to chat. Chelsea and I both immediately apologised for not seeing much of each other after the funeral. I think both of us saw the other as a reminder of what we'd lost, when really what we should have seen was someone who understood all too well what we were going through and someone who could be a huge support.

Ah well, at least we can rectify that now.

After chatting to the girls for a few hours I headed home and to my room. I lay down and hit play on my Ipod, this is what started playing…

So bend and I'll break you  
Leave and I'll take you back again

If she bends, then she breaks  
She loves you but then she takes it away  
She bends and she bows  
She's cold, but she melts like snow

It's a song by Louis Says called 'She'. It seems appropriate for where I find myself with Ashley. I know that despite everything I want her in my life…she is going to have to earn it though.

Ashley has a cold, hard exterior, but that melts away as you get to know her. I love her and I can't help but feel that despite everything she loves me too. I guess time will tell.

Its time I got some sleep, I haven't been sleeping well so fingers crossed for a decent nights sleep tonight. Good night Ash and Clay, wherever you are.


End file.
